A Taste of Reality

I took several things away from this video. There have been mixed reactions to it. Some say Kevin Samuels was too harsh, while others say that he only told this woman the truth. I can agree with both of those opinions, but I want to focus more on the truthfulness of it. The problem is that we live in a world that if you say anything other than what a person wants to hear then your advice is discredited. Or if you say it in a harsh way, your tone is keeping people from hearing the message. I think back to my childhood when I played sports. My coach wanted me to do a specific thing on the field. When I made mistakes he may have yelled, but he was speaking truth to correct my behavior. Or when a parent yells at a child who’s misbehaving, is the parent in the wrong? Don’t be so focused on the messenger that you miss the message. I agree that Mr. Samuels could’ve used a different tone and delivery, but overall he told this woman the truth. I took away a few things from this video:

1. If you research Kevin Samuels you will see his title is an image consultant. He focuses on what he calls the “high value man”. These are men who make six figures or more and are considered top tier in all aspects. The high value man is determined by the market. It starts with money (10K per month in Atlanta). The second component requires that that money be made over a length of time (3-5 years). It’s a matter of consistency. The third part is being accepted by other high value men. The fourth component is a network (of other high value men 1st then others). The fifth is visibility (position and income are LinkedIn level). They are CEOs and VPs of companies. The sixth is utility (useful to the group and others). Their presence is felt when they’re there and their absence is felt when they’re not. There are many components to the high value man but these are the basics. 

We live in a world where so many people feel entitled to things. The woman in the video is seeking a high value man. I’ve seen women reacting to this video telling this woman what she deserves. True enough everyone should be with someone who cares for them, but when you put all this extra criteria on it as if you’re entitled to it then you’re bound to get disappointed. I can say I know my value, and therefore the dealership should approve me for a Bentley or I should be allowed to get a million dollar house. I can say that I want to attend Yale, but if my grades and finances won’t allow me then I can’t. I have to be approved for a loan and accepted by the school according to what they require. But unlike buying a car or house, my salary doesn’t mean I deserve to be with a certain woman. I don’t make the standards, the person or place I’m looking to be accepted by does. In this same way men make the standards on what they want from a woman. People always say that God will bless you, but put extra criteria on his blessings. If I ask God for a car when I have none I can’t say I deserve a Bentley when He provides a Toyota. God told us that He would supply our needs, not all of our little wants. 

2. Why are women the only ones allowed to have standards? And why are their standards supposed to be the only ones that matter? Men get rejected all the time and no pity party is thrown for us. Just as she is focused on her income, most of the men that she desires will be focused on her looks. That’s what she wasn’t understanding, and as shallow as that may seem for men or women, he was giving her reality. This lady kept saying that she made six figures, which she felt would qualify her for a man who did likewise. She could date an average man, but she feels she deserves a high value man. As Mr. Samuels said, men don’t look at money the same as women. I could care less about your money if I make six figures myself. I mean it’s nice if you bring that to the table, but that’s not a requirement of most men who make that kind of money. Most women don’t invest financially into a man the same as men do, so why would he care about how much you make? Another point he brought up is her child. People don’t realize how much of a factor that plays in dating. Not only are you having to date the mother, but you have a child from the start of the relationship as well. You have to get to know that child as well. That’s another responsibility that you may not be ready for and then it brings in the dynamic of having to discipline that child as well. Being with someone with children also robs the man of having those experiences of the two having their first child together. There’s nothing against women with children, but if a man has put himself into position to have a decent income, be well educated, and not have any children when he meets you, then why can’t he expect the woman to do the same? Men desire things as well, just not the same things as women do. You can want what you want, but that doesn’t guarantee someone else will value that as you do. 

3. What does it mean to be with someone on your level? Why is someone’s income considered as being on your level? I think back to Solomon in the Bible who was the richest man in the world, but all that wealth still left him feeling empty inside and stressed out. In a relationship/marriage it’s more than about money. That’s not saying that money isn’t important, but it isn’t the most important thing. Suppose that this woman does date/marry a man making six figures. He’s an athlete or investment banker. This guy hates his job so a few years into the relationship he decides to follow his childhood dream of being a cop, teacher, a mayor back in his small hometown, etc. Does she leave this man because he no longer makes six figures? You date/marry a man’s vision, not his income. You should be worried that he will be a provider, but you don’t need six figures for that. When people mention being with someone on their level it’s most often related to wealth and education, but where does character rank in the equation? A relationship is built on intimacy. It’s far more important to be with someone that you can connect with intimately and intellectually than financially. 

4. There are consequences to your actions. This goes with feeling entitled. We live in a world that doesn’t want to deal with consequences. I can party my life away and still have the life of someone who worked diligently for years. I can have sex with hundreds of people and it have no effects on my marriage. My pastor talks about weddings and baby showers. One thing that this world has become comfortable with is having baby showers for unwed mothers. We glorify having babies before getting married. A baby shower is meant to celebrate a married couple having a baby. Now we’re saying that marriage isn’t important in order to celebrate it. Yes the family should still support the mother, but you don’t throw an extravagant celebration making it seem okay to have children before a wedding. This woman has consequences to her actions. Because she chose not to wait until marriage to have children, she will have to face that. You can call it unfair, mean, or whatever you choose to, but that’s reality. That’s not saying that she’s undeserving of love, but we all have to face the consequences of our actions no matter how big or small.

So many people who either didn’t watch the video or didn’t pay attention took many of the things from it out of context. Mr. Samuels said the woman would die alone if she holds to those standards. It’s okay to want what you want, but buy what you can afford. It’s okay to go after your dreams and desires, but don’t bank on things that have a small probability of happening. We have to live in reality and not what we feel. Mr. Samuels brought out facts and her feelings don’t negate facts. Statistics are from factual events. She’s looking to get one of the men in the top 10% of all earners with so much against her. Majority of them would prefer someone younger and with no children. And no matter how she feels about that it’s the reality she lives in. It’s not to say that she can’t get one of those men, but it’s a small chance considering all the facts that were stated in the video. We can only progress and grow if we learn to accept truth. In a deeper point that I believe has some relevance to this situation, I look at Jesus teaching to the crowd in John 6. When confronted with spiritual needs and a spiritual message, most people will turn it down. What society wants is spectacle, material things, and a political savior. Jesus' teaching challenged their beliefs, and for some, this is simply too much to bear. Rather than change their minds, they walk away. This is the fundamental reason people reject Jesus Christ: He doesn't coordinate with their own selfish interests. When confronted with a challenging truth many people decide to completely reject it, rather than change their minds. We have to change our minds and change our behaviors. Another thing I took from this situation is her desires in a man. “And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. ~ James 4:3” What she’s looking for has no real depth to it. She’s focused on what a man has materially. This is like much of society. Women chase after money, men chase after looks. In turn they end up with someone God never intended for them to be with. God is more focused on us seeking character in a mate and wanting a mate for the right reasons. That’s a lesson for all of us. 

Man Up!!

What inspired me to write this blog is my belief that men have to start holding each other accountable. A man is more likely to listen to another man giving him advice on being a man than he is a woman. How can I tell a woman what it’s like to deal with pregnancy difficulties or with a cycle if those are things that I’m limited in knowledge in. Sure I can give advice on those areas, but it won’t be the same as if a woman advised a woman about them. I get tired of hearing women say what a man is/isn’t supposed to do. Some of them are spot on in their assessments, but I believe a man would have no choice but to accept the criticism of another man telling him the same things. That’s just something that I think would make men more responsive to changing. I know pride can get in the way a lot of the time when someone tells us something, but we have to be able to stop sometimes, listen, and consider what someone is telling us. 

Everything rises and falls with leadership. In Moses's day and in Jesus' day, they killed all the males because they wanted to control what was happening in a community of people among the Jews. So what the enemy is doing is trying to get rid of the males psychologically, emotionally, and functionally, and that's what culture is currently doing. Then, you're on the precipice of disaster as a community. A relationship with God is the foundation of man. A man is defined biblically as a male who has learned to submit his maleness to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Man was created to have a relationship with God. God gave man rules and responsibilities. The first thing that God gave Adam was responsibility. He was instructed to tend and keep the garden before Eve was created. That tells us that the first thing that a man must be doing before he can lead anyone is fulfilling His purpose of serving and obeying God. There are many characteristics that define a man throughout the Bible and tell what a man should be, but the one I want to highlight is RESPONSIBILITY. Man must first show His commitment to serving God, and only then can he serve and commit to a woman and his family. In biblical times the tradition of "giving away" the bride at a wedding signified that the bride's family will no longer have control over her or her possessions (dowry) and that her husband will respectfully take on the responsibilities and obligations that her father once boasted. The same holds true today in that when a whether a woman is married or single, a man is responsible for her well-being.
It’s interesting that, there really is no Proverbs 31 for men in the Bible. Men need the whole Bible, women need a chapter. In Ephesians, God tells the husband to love His wife like Christ loves the Church. Christ’s love is shown throughout the Bible, which means a man’s duties far outweigh a woman’s. Husbands should not be in the marriage first and foremost to get their needs met, but rather they should first look out for the interests and needs of their wives. A husband’s love should be characterized by sacrifice for the good of his wife. God has commanded us to love our wives even when they don’t deserve it—for if we love them only when they deserve it, where would grace be? In fact, we need to love our wives the most when they deserve it the least. Women should feel safe with a man. They should know that he’s going to take care of the house, cars, help with the children, and plan for the family's future. He bears all the burdens and takes full responsibility for direction of his wife and children.
Some people want to be in charge but aren’t ready to handle that. You want to own your own company, but are you ready to hire and fire people, make sure the company meets all safety regulations, be prepared if someone wants to sue the company? You want to be a man and lead a woman, but do you make it a priority to lead your family spiritually, teach your wife and children things about Christ they have questions about, plan for emergency situations, have a logical solution when your family wants to react emotionally, and address literally thousands of other issues that affect families? Are you a planner? Because a leader’s job is never really done. A leader deals with things behind the scenes and puts themselves last. A leader stays late to get the job done when the other employees go home. A leader doesn’t eat until after everyone else does. A leader puts themselves last and inconveniences themselves to make sure those he serves has their needs met. Being a man is a lot of work, and from my observation I see many take it lightly or are misinformed about what it means to be a man. Recently I read an article about problems affecting husbands and fathers. So much of our attention has been captured by society that we aren’t there for our family. Whether it be TV, work, sports, hunting, or a million other things, as a whole we’re neglecting our main responsibility. When you look at the problems in society the source lies in male leadership or lack thereof. In Tony Evans book “Kingdom Man”, he highlights the importance of a man's impact on society. He summed it up as, “Satan is determined to undermine men, destroy their God-given roles, and re-define the biblical definition of manhood because he wants to see the family unravel and society crumble.” Every other institution in society is built on the family. If the family disintegrates, those institutions that depend on strong families will disintegrate as well. Once that happens, there is no law you can pass that will make up for the devastation. There is no program you can institute that will fix what happens to people when a home is shattered. There is no politician you can elect who can bring harmony and social order when the family is decimated. So the large number of people in jail, broken families, children who grow up lacking skills needed to succeed in life, all fall back on men neglecting their responsibility. What we’re seeing, and will continue to see, is the decimation of the family, because the man is the foundation of the family, and the family is the foundation of society. So, if we want to unravel the family and society, the best way is to get rid of men fulfilling their roles. A woman who wants to be the head of her home invites the Devil to take over her family. And the Devil has taken over many homes because the wife has refused to submit to the legitimate, biblical authority of her husband, or has a husband who neglects his leadership duties. The result is spiritual sickness and dysfunction. Not because women aren't great, but you've asked them to do more than what they were created to do. So, getting back to the right view of marriage and a right view of family is critical, and that starts with the right view of man. The secular world is confused about the true definition of manhood. Popular terms like “toxic masculinity,” is society's attempt to understand and define the present, poor state of manhood. There are two sides to this. One is people feeling that men have been oppressive to women, and to some degree, that’s true. It’s women wanting to break free from the toxic effect of that negative pressure. But then on the other side is men having been given the wrong information about manhood from the television, from the media, from music, so that they're doing the best that they know how to do. So we've got to give them new knowledge and new definitions. We're going to have to ask the opposite sex to encourage that right definition rather than throwing out the good with the bad.

The value of headship in the home is also not about ownership or about the level of a salary, but that the husband does work hard at providing. Wisdom in leading the home under God is the man's primary responsibility. If your wife has a higher capacity, you have to act like the leader of a team, even though one of your teammates has an advantage. Many women have the misconception that a man is defined by how much money he makes. Sometimes I hear women talk about how much money a man makes and feel like they’re settling if they choose someone who makes less than them. I believe a lot of women who are doctors, lawyers, and highly paid professionals miss out on great men because they aren’t on their “level” financially. Well I have news for you, a God-fearing man making $30,000 fulfilling his purpose in life is much more valuable than a millionaire who isn’t. There's a difference in someone who lacks ambition and someone who's doing what their passionate about with limited earning potential. The reality is that not everyone will have a career that affords them to live a lavish life, but I do believe if they are doing what God called them to then they will prosper and He will meet all of their needs. It’s better to have a man who makes $30K and can lead you spiritually than one who makes $100K and can’t even tell you one scripture. I've come to learn that it's not how much you make, but how you manage it. A man is a good manager of whatever amount he makes. In the words of my pastor, “They can have a nice car, nice house, 401K, closet full of expensive clothes, etc., but if they don’t have Christ you ain’t got yourself NOTHING!” A wise man who makes less than his wife will manage what they have and lead the family. After all, neither spouse has ownership of their salary because what each has belongs to the other. You two are ONE. We're also called to be good stewards of all that God has given us.
How will my child learn about sex, paying taxes, how to act when pulled over by the police? Do you teach your children work ethic? Do they know how to be an informed citizen and know what’s going on in their community? These and a million other questions are the responsibility of the man. Most men fail to be proactive and end up being reactive when problems arise. I remember growing up working with my dad and all the many conversations we had about life that I’m so thankful for today. In my experience as a teacher and relationships with friends, I see how so many people weren’t afforded those same life lessons that I was. Either their dad wasn’t in their life or he didn’t teach them some of the lessons that I was fortunate to learn. He prepared me for the days ahead. This emphasizes the importance of the male in the family. One of his responsibilities is to prepare his family to live in his absence. Proverbs 4 tells us how crucial a father’s wisdom is. Wisdom is more valuable than any material thing you can give a child. I feel that my father prepared me for so many things in life. Life after college didn’t stress me out as much as it did some people struggling to adjust to adult life because I was prepared for it. My dad instilled in me that mindset of being responsible and planning for the future. Men have to be better planners. Your family is depending on your foresight. People dedicate more time and planning for their vocations than they do their families. If you open a business aren’t you going to plan? You get insurance to protect from loss, advertise to get more business, assess the market for expansion, have rules and regulations in place, and so much more. You create a whole handbook for a multitude of situations. Or if you plan a vacation, do you create an itinerary or do you just wing it? So many men aren’t doing that with their family. What are you going to do in an unfortunate situation? This requires thinking and planning. Your family is the most important business that you’ll ever run and you have to be ready to solve a problem at a moment’s notice. Will you be ready to? Learn from men who are wiser than you. It’ll help you prepare for when hardships or problems arise.

I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity. 1 Timothy:1-2
This verse was meant to be applied to government, but can be applied to every family as well. Wives should pray for husbands to lead and make wise choices in leading the family just like we should pray for the president to lead our nation wisely. I was talking with a coworker who is having behavior problems with his teenage soon. Not only is he having problems with his son’s behavior, but disciplining him as well. He stated that every form of discipline that he enforces, his wife will go behind his back and do the opposite. It’s impossible for a man to lead and a family to be successful if both people aren’t on one accord. One thing that I think a lot of marriages lack is respect and trust. It’s easier for some women to respect their boss than their husband. On a job rarely will you not obey your boss’s orders no matter how much you disagree, but when it comes to a man making decisions with his family he’s often not given that same respect. People won’t always agree with the decisions that leadership makes, but that’s where you’re left to pray. God has chosen to let us help Him change the world through our prayers. How this works is a mystery to us because of our limited understanding, but it is a reality. God is the head of the man, and man is the head of woman. They all must submit to one another, even when they don’t like the decision being made. Leading is a hard job, and you won’t always lead perfectly. But those you lead should pray that you lead them correctly and grant you grace when you fall short. People have this concept down when it comes to work, but not in the home. If your boss gives you orders or if a coach on a team calls a play and their choice doesn’t yield a favorable outcome, it falls on the leadership. But if you rebel and go about it your own way, the leader is likely to become upset. It’s the same with God. If you obey His commands you’re protected by Him. But when you step outside of His Will you open yourself up to punishment. The same way Jesus had to submit to God the Father, every man has to submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. So what he's asking his wife, he should be modeling himself. The problem is, a lot of men who don't submit want to demand submission, and that creates a problem. But for the man who is submitted to God, I pray that his wife will submit to him and trust his ability to meet her needs.

Lord, I pray that you make more men accept their role as leaders.  First and foremost, I pray that they develop a genuine relationship with you and Your Word guides them as well as placing wise elders in their lives to give them advice and correction. With great power comes great responsibility. Let them take their responsibilities seriously and give thoughtful planning to the direction of their family. I pray that men won’t abuse our headship, but use it to benefit and serve those you’ve entrusted us to oversee. Help us fix so many problems that are caused in the world due to men not being present and active in their families, communities, and their nations. Let us not take the title of man lightly. Let your word define what it means to be a man and not society. Help us to esteem being a man as highly as being called a president, CEO, Dr. , or any other title that the world tells us is important. We are Kings created to worship You and sacrifice for our Queens and lead our seeds. With faith I believe that You have given us Your Word because You know what’s best for us and You love us dearly. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number

Recently I had a conversation with someone about the whole R. Kelly situation. He made the argument that young girls were just R. Kelly’s preference and that there’s nothing wrong with it. People like what they like. He also made the argument that many of our grandfathers married our grandmothers when they were extremely young. But living with this mindset, where do you draw the line? Everything that we like isn’t right. And no one can convince me that lusting after anyone for that matter, but especially young girls is right. And just because people did things in the past, that didn’t make them right then or now.

While I don’t necessarily agree with it, I can see where it can be looked at from a different perspective. My personal beliefs are that you should date someone close to your age. That way you two can have something in common. That person should have shared some of the same life experiences as you. What can you possibly talk to someone about who’s never paid bills, bought a car, signed up for a 401K, and reached other important milestones that you have? The young person will be excited about accomplishing things like this while the older person won’t be as enthusiastic because they’ve already achieved these things. Conversely, an older person may be more focused on establishing themselves financially and spiritually while the younger person may still be trying to figure life out. A person doesn’t have to be exactly where you are, but they should be close to the level that you’re on. And although there are some very mature teenagers, this is still no excuse to prey on them. I’m sure we can all think back to when we were teenagers, and if that was at least 5-10 years ago I’m pretty sure we can all speak of how different our mindset is now. With age comes wisdom, so why would you want to date someone who’s not as mature as you are now? That just seems crazy!!! I guess he was right with “Your body’s calling” because I can’t see anything he was looking for in their mind. I can’t see anything that a 27 year old can have in common with a 15 year old. R. Kelly was lusting after these girls, not trying to establish anything based on love. 

On the other hand, I can see a relationship like that working. It was brought to the public’s attention that Jay Z was 33 and Beyonce was 18 when they begin dating, P. Diddy was 24 and his baby’s mother was 16 when they had their first child. While I don’t agree with this big of an age gap, I don’t see it in the same lens as R. Kelly’s mess. It’s one thing to just meet someone younger or older and fall in love with them, and it’s a completely different thing to only prey on young girls. That’s pretty sick to me. Even if the parents cosigned on it that’s still pretty sick. How can you let someone that old date your daughter or son? It would be hard enough for me to let another 15 year old date my child, let alone someone almost twice her age. 

The Bible rarely gives us age examples in regards to marriage. We do know that Abraham was 10 years older than Sarah. The Bible tells us, “Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, ‘Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?’” (Genesis 17:17). While we are given this example, there are no other examples in the Bible where both individuals’ ages are given. It is often assumed that Joseph was significantly older than Mary. However, there is absolutely nothing in the Bible that indicates this. It can also be inferred that Boaz and Ruth had a significant age difference in today’s world standards.

“Then he (Boaz) said, ‘May you be blessed of the LORD, my daughter. You have shown your last kindness to be better than the first by not going after young men, whether poor or rich” (Ruth 3:10). In searching the Bible for documented marriages, we don’t find any that can sway us into an accurate direction or give us an idea as to what God may be leading us to. While the Bible doesn’t explicitly give guidelines when dating with an age difference, there are a few things you should consider:

Before you begin a relationship with someone who is much older or younger than you, it’s important to make a careful assessment of your motivations. Love knows no age, but if you date only people who are members of a different generation, it might reveal something about your approach to relationships. While people who date only people much younger or older than them owe no one an explanation, it may be helpful to know the underlying reason.

Some who date only much older people may be seeking a parental figure more than a romantic partner. They may be insecure about finances and because of that want to be with someone established in his or her career. If you have a history of dating people who are significantly younger than you, you may feel like your partner admires your experience, or perhaps you’re just not physically attracted to other people your age. A significant age difference doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong, but a long-standing pattern may be worth examining.

I believe that the biggest reason that many people see the difference in R. Kelly and Jay Z and P. Diddy is because of intentions and motivations behind it. Clearly R, Kelly wasn’t looking for love or marriage. R. Kelly not only preyed on young girls but also abused them physically and mentally. His intentions weren’t and still aren’t to care or love them, but to abuse and mistreat them. While I don’t condone any of their behavior, no one can say that all their situations were the same. One of the biggest stigmas in the world is that counseling isn’t important, but I believe that all of us can benefit from counseling. After watching the Surviving R. Kelly series, we learned that R. Kelly was molested as a child. I feel like he stated this as a way to justify his treatment towards these girls, but that’s a poor excuse. Obviously he recognized that what happened to him was wrong, and he just continued the cycle instead of stopping it. If we all just went around hurting others because we’ve been hurt, there would be so much chaos in the world. I do hope that R. Kelly is sent to prison, but prison alone won’t help him. His mind needs help and I hope that he can talk to someone that will get him to change his behavior, because everything we prefer isn’t something that we should go after. Because I believe that age is more than just a number.

Different but the Same

In many ways men and women are different, and many they’re the same. I hear a lot of people say that men fall in love with what they see and women with what they hear. Well the last time I checked both have five senses. It’s unfair to make a general statement of all men and women. Both should strive to appeal to all the senses of the other. We stereotype people by race, gender, age, etc. all the time and even though most of it is said in a comical way, some of it fails to assess the character of the individual. All black people don’t show up late, all men don’t cheat, all young people are ignorant about important things in life. It may be common for a particular group but you can’t assume it of everyone. Stereotypes devalue taking the time to genuinely get to know a person. Men like being told that they’re appreciated. Women like a man that takes care of himself. Those are things that most humans appreciate. We all are the same in many ways, being that all humans have basic needs that must be fulfilled. These needs aren’t gender specific.

I watch a lot of talk shows where people proclaim to know why a person did a certain action. Sure this person may be correct, but the only way you’ll know for sure is if you ask that person. A lot of people will ask questions like why do men cheat, why don’t men like to share their emotions, why do women act a certain way? Honestly I find a lot of those questions hard to answer. I don’t think anyone can give you a definite answer for a lot of behaviors, but they can tell you a bunch of possible answers. Ultimately the answer is because they’re selfish, but to come up with the more specific reason you’re better off treating it case by case. I can make assumptions and those always have a chance of being just as right as they could be wrong. I’ve never been the type of man to cheat or not express myself (ex.), so I don’t feel qualified to speak on something not a part of my character. I can only make assumptions about things like this. I believe that people should ask the individual who committed the offense because they’re more capable to speak on their actions than anyone else.

Relationships and marriage are about serving one another. One person shouldn’t do all the giving and the other all the taking. Both should have their needs met and should be able to get some of their wants. With that said, people should treat others the way they want to be treated. If a man wants his woman to look good all the time he should do that as well. Take care of your clothes, keep your hair up, stay in shape. If a woman likes to hear her man tell her nice things, return the favor. Tell him how much you appreciate him and how much he means to you. In a relationship both people should always look for ways that they can please their significant other, within reason. When it comes to things that were traditionally assigned to gender roles I believe that a lot of men should rethink how they look at them. Gone are the days where a woman stayed at home and cleaned and cooked all day. Women are more educated and taking on more roles in society than even 30 years ago. It’s very selfish for a man to expect his wife to have dinner made after working 8 hours, picking up the children from school, and sometimes being in school themselves. My mother raised me up to know how to cook for myself and clean up behind myself. She told me I might not even get married, and if I do, what will I do if my wife gets sick or she’s pregnant? These are all things to be considered. If a man and woman are both working full time jobs, then the responsibility of keeping the house up should be shared.

We all are the same, but still every individual has a different set of beliefs, every individual’s thinking process is different, every individual’s behavior, nature, attitude differs from each other. Even in families, every member of the same family has a different mentality, mindset, and behavior. The key to relationships is understanding each other. And we can only do this by spending time to get to know the individual. There are a few things that I want to talk about that I think make relationships between people complicated, and I want to bring attention to them.

1. Perception
One thing that makes relationships difficult is perception. Perception is the way in which something is regarded, understood or interpreted, We all are the same, but still every individual has different perception. Our perception of things comes from our environment growing up or from our past beliefs and experiences. We form our perception on what did and didn’t work before, and sometimes that can kill the reality. Everyone has a different level of understanding. That’s why two people can give different meaning to the same thing and can form two different views for the same topic. The biggest problem with perception is that no body’s perception is based on the present situation or experience, every perception is based on history, past experiences and beliefs which has nothing to do with today’s reality. People will do things or not do things in a new relationship based on how successful it was in previous relationships. A lot of time this hurts relationships. And perception plays a very important role in our communication, because we communicate based on our views and perception, hence this can create a mess when two people have two different views for the same thing. People shouldn’t fight or argue about their perception. They should communicate to understand, they should not communicate to reply or to argue. Their perception can differ but understanding can bring that perception to common ground. Your perception doesn’t mean it’s reality, it means it is your own belief and it is based on your experiences. It has nothing to do with reality, so perception can be wrong. But a relationship with love, care, and kindness is above that. The goal is to always understand and come to common ground. Don’t argue on the basis of perception. Understand and move on. Life is about understanding, it’s not about always being right. It’s good to ask questions to get a better understanding. I think back to doing book reports in elementary and how our teachers told us to ask those questions: who, what, where, when, why, and how. These questions are very important when a problem of perception arises.

2. Expectation
Sometimes we expect too much from people. Expectations always hurt, because everyone in this world is a human, and unless you make known what you want people won’t understand. Your partner isn’t a super hero, you need to accept the reality that you need to ask for things. You want something then have clear conversation. Usually what happens is that partners don’t say, instead they just expect the other person to understand without saying anything. Not saying and expecting things to go right always happens in movies, and we’re living in the real world, and reality can be harsh sometimes but we need to accept it and need to handle reality like a brave person. We live under the influence of movies and media where everything is so perfect, but reality is far different from those movies. Expectations in life that everything will be ok without your actions and without plans isn’t possible. In relationships you need to communicate. You need to share your likes, dislikes, and only then the other person will know you. Expecting the other person to understand without you telling them what you want will ruin your relationship. Communicate, understand, and support each other always.

3. Assumptions
We all know what assuming means, Assumptions are nothing but a thought or belief which we have in our mind and we have no proof for that thought and that thought has nothing to do with reality. Assumptions can be of two type: direct and indirect. Direct where we have a certain thought in our mind and we believe it’s right, and indirect means we hear some information from someone else, and both kinds of assumptions are really very sour for any kind of relationship and also for our life growth, because most of the time we assume things which aren’t right and that assumption will take us to the wrong way. For example, every girl’s smile doesn’t mean they love you. It can be a friendly smile, or anyone assuming that they can’t do something just because they don’t have enough qualification will do nothing but just stop them from their growth. Hence instead of assuming have clear conversation and take action and then see the result, don’t just assume the outcome without trying anything. Take action and then see the outcome and accordingly be flexible about the methods which can take you to your perfect life.

Most people would agree that communication is a huge factor in relationships, but it has to be more than just that. There has to be understanding and empathy for two people to coexist with one another. We all have a habit of it, but the stereotypes that we have of other genders and groups can hinder our growth in relationships a lot. Experience can be valuable, but not every situation is a reminder of your past. Communication and understanding are so key. Talk, ask questions, love, and respect one another. Peace and blessings.

Things to consider.........

Why do we take pride in being independent? 

Women take pride in not needing a man, we want to start a business by ourselves, we celebrate not having to ask anyone else for help. I can remember wanting to work on projects in school by myself. I knew that I could count on myself to get work done on time and correctly.  It’s something that I still struggle with today. Some of it is because I don’t trust some people and some of it is because I just find it easier to do things alone. We definitely should have some level of independence to ourselves, but it shouldn’t be the norm. God didn’t make us to be all alone. In the beginning He said that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Solomon spoke on how two are better than one. We’re the only creation that God made with a need for intimacy. We all have a desire to be known and understood. This companionship isn’t just limited to marriage, but friendships and all other relationships. Friends look out for us, help us when we’re weak, impart wisdom on us, hold us accountable, help us fulfill God’s commandment of love, and provide so many great benefits. The world sees isolation as a negative thing, but most of the time we see independence as a positive thing. If you commit a crime you go to jail and are separated from the general population. Solitary confinement is used as a form of punishment beyond incarceration to keep a prisoner from hurting themselves or someone else. Many of us are becoming prisoners on the outside. We cut everyone off and prefer to work alone, never relying on anyone for help and never being willing to help others. It’s impossible to go throughout life without getting hurt, but we can’t let that stop us from living and interacting with others. Do we prefer independence because it gives us bragging rights, we can say we did it on our own and get all the credit? Or do we think that's the way it's meant to be. It’s not good for us to be alone. After all, Michael Jordan didn’t win six championships by himself.



How can we become good spouses and have lasting marriages if we don’t go to school?

If I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer I would do all I could to prepare myself. I'd take all the high school science courses and try to do intern/job shadow people in the profession. I’d take the LSAT/MCAT then research the best schools to attend in order to pursue the required degree. I’d talk to doctors and nurses and ask them for information. I wouldn’t just say, “I want to be a lawyer and I’m just gonna figure it out as I go along”. How successful are we likely to be with that approach? We probably wouldn’t win many cases. There would probably be a lot of surgeries that go wrong? I feel like we approach relationships in this way though. It’s true that we can only learn some things from experience, but a lot of the things that we deal with in relationships can be made simpler by willing to be taught. In dating we don’t ask questions or want to listen to advice. Although there’s no formal school or degree for marriage, there is a way to learn how to be married before getting married. We don’t fail multiple classes on our way to getting our degree and just feel okay with it, but the way we date we think it’s normal to just have multiple failed relationships. When you see you’re struggling in a class you get tutoring, talk to the instructor, or get some other means of help. Do we do this in relationships? Even with all those steps you may still fail that class so it’s understandable if you have a few failed relationships, but I think many times we don’t seek help first. Treat relationships like school. Too many failures will ruin our GPA.

Marriage is one of the most serious things that you can do. We go to school for a career that we’ll only do 20-30 years of our life, but we don’t seek guidance or counseling for a job that’s supposed to last for the rest of our life. There’s books on marriage and seminars you can attend. Although we should use discernment on which ones to read and learn from, they’re very beneficial. We learn from observation and guidance. A man should learn how to be a husband and father from his father. A woman should learn how to be a wife and mother from her mother. But with the way the world is today, how many boys get to see a man leading his family? With no father in the home how many girls get to see their mother submit to their father and their father handling things that a man is meant to? Even some homes with both parents don’t get to see a great example of this? Out of all the things that my father taught me growing up, I can’t recall him ever teaching me about dating/courting. We’re left to “figure it out” on our own. Do parents not know how to teach it or do they just neglect to? Why don’t all pastors make premarital counseling a requirement for marriage? Isn’t marriage more important than a career? We’re not left to “figure out” our careers, so why would we treat marriage and relationships that way? Have you ever stop to thinking about your views on dating/relationships and why you feel the way you do towards it? I strongly believe that God prepares us for whatever He blesses us with.


Why is modern dating so different from biblical dating? 

This question goes hand in hand with the previous question. First, we have to define what dating is. Dating is meant to lead to marriage, and I believe much of the dysfunction in relationships is due to people not having that as the goal. The goal of dating should be to decide if you want to marry that person. If you decide you do want to get married, stop dating, get engaged, and get married. If you decide you do not want to marry that person, you have accomplished that goal and you should breakup. Dating should only continue when you are still unsure one way or the other. But the way in which we date today is more about just having a good time, then we can decide later if we want to get married. The system today’s young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We don’t like anyone to know who we’re dating which keeps us from being held accountable. We don’t introduce them to family right off until we know that it’s “sure”, but our family is supposed to help us in the decision making of that. I can understand the reasoning behind the way we do things but that doesn’t justify it. It’s like saying we don’t trust God’s way by coming up with our own rules. As Christians we’re called to be set apart from the world, so does the way we date let others know that I’m Christian or that I’m fitting in with the world. We hear a lot about being celibate when it comes to dating, but biblical dating is so much more than just practicing celibacy. When it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. That truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonor to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church. It doesn’t have to be this way. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you’re a Christian, that’s the biblical life you’re called to. Many will argue that the Bible doesn’t give us instructions on how to date, but that’s not true. God cares so much about us and every area of our life, so why would He leave out such critical information on the process of finding our spouse. The theological doctrine sufficiency of Scripture simply holds that the Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and that there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. The sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

The Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. Some things it talks about explicitly, like salvation or sanctification or marriage or elders. The Bible guides us in some areas by broader, more general principles and ideas we can build on as we strive to live the Christian life in practical ways. In either case, no area of life falls totally outside of the guidance and authority of God’s Word. My point is that we cannot simply state that the Bible “doesn’t mention dating or courtship,” and then think we’re off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world’s terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God’s Word. If the doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture is true, then God’s Word does have authoritative guidance for us about how we might best glorify God in this area of our lives. That means our conversation has to be a biblical conversation.

So what is biblical dating? It can be defined as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman’s father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman’s father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical dating is largely by example and implication.

Modern dating basically has the same basic definition but looks differently when viewed closer.

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person’s family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely “recreational” or “educational.”

There’s no biblical support to this way of dating. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn’t even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn’t even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical dating have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

We can look at so many differences between modern dating and biblical dating. Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person’s life before marriage. In fact, it advocates “playing the field” in order to determine “what one wants” in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex: your spouse. Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional “wiring” or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complementarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family). Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well. Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy. Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires,” and a bad one won’t — it’s essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God. Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes no physical intimacy and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage. Modern dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

I’m confident that many of you will disagree with some of my statements. Ask yourself why. I have a particular challenge for those of you whose main objection is that the practical details “are not explicitly biblical”: think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your dating life. Can you find explicit support for the modern approach in Scripture? Are there even broad principles in Scripture that justify the modern vision of dating (or yours, whatever it may be)? The Bible simply doesn’t give us explicit instructions on some things. Fair enough. In such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to clear biblical teaching. In other words, within the many gray areas here, what conduct in our dating lives will help us to best care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to His name?

That’s it. That’s a basic framework for biblical dating as best I can discern it from the principles of God’s Word. Now, you’re on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I’ve said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron.

Why do people avoid change?

“Failure or no change in your character could be an indication of lack of time spent with God.” Why should a 50 year old man still think it’s cool to spend every weekend out with his boys when he has a wife and kids at home? Why would a 35 year old woman find no problem spending 200-300 a week on hair and makeup? I had a conversation with one of my friends about hanging out 5-10 years from now. I told him that we probably won’t be hanging out as much especially if I’m married. My priorities will be different and so will my behavior. My family will come first. It’s not that our friendship will change, but my priorities will be different. A married person can’t do what a single person does. A CEO can’t do what an entry level worker does. Priorities promote change. Maturing promotes change. There’s nothing wrong with those things, but the older you get and more you priorities change the more your mind should value some things less. Our inner being should constantly be changing. Growth is a life long process. We may stop growing physically in our early 20s but we should never stop growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

How can we progress in life if we fear change? If I’m on a job where I don’t mind being late or not taking my responsibilities seriously, how can I expect to be promoted? Are we even equipping ourselves and trying to grow? I hear a lot of people talking about not getting in a relationship with someone who wants to change you, but I disagree. Relationships, especially intimate relationships should encourage you to change. They’re like mirrors, sometimes the person you’re with can see things in you that you don’t even see in yourself. Consider it is what they’re saying before you tune them out. We should all want to change because none of us are perfect and others are meant to help us grow. You don’t have to change certain things about yourself, but if you’re content with being just the way you are 10, 20, 30 years from now then you’re a stagnant person, and that’s not great. Ask yourself what changes can be made to bring you closer to God, loving others, and developing your character. Those are changes that you should never be reluctant to make.

Why don’t more couples want to be relationship goals? 

We aspire to be role models in our careers but not in friendships, marriages, etc. If no one else sees your relationship as goals, at the least your family should. Your children should learn about marriage from your example. Divorcees in your family should learn what they can do if they remarry. You should strive to break generational curses with your example. I believe that a lot of people shy away from wanting to have others look at their relationship as a model is due to the possibility that it may fail, but we fail at jobs, degrees, and many other things but that doesn’t stop us from being role models in those areas. People can learn from your failures too. Be transparent. Tell people that marriage isn’t all peaches and cream, but in the end it’s all worth it. Reversing 20-30 years of selfishness shouldn’t be easy but it’s possible and very rewarding. Marriage is an everyday exercise in repentance and forgiveness. There’s no way to be the perfect spouse; I am a sinner and my sin will hurt those around me. Yet in our imperfection, we can consistently point to a perfect Savior. The willingness to do that — to die to our pride that another may be glorified — shows in a real way that we grasp the goodness and power of the gospel. I have to admit that I look up to married couples for inspiration, and I've talked with other men who do as well. It’s easy to get discouraged while dating/courting after seeing all these couples breaking up and getting divorced. I know it may be putting pressure on married couples, but you should want to be the example for single people. You made those vows and you should strive to honor them. It breaks my heart that a lot of marriages give bad examples. I know we all love the good times in relationships, but teach us how to deal with the bad times. Show us that you two relied on God to make your union last. Can you show us that love is everything that God says that it is?

The Blame Game

Many times we apply “God told me” to intimate relationships, but not friends, work, and many other things in our life. Why doesn’t God tell you to quit your job when your boss tells you to do something immoral or a friend does something to upset you? God doesn’t just talk to us about boyfriend/girlfriends, but every relationship and everything that we’re involved in. Either we ignore God’s voice in these situations or we deal with it because we value them. I’m not saying that God doesn’t tell us to break up with someone but I do believe that we have to take responsibility for our part and own our choices. When God leads us to make decisions in life, those choices are not devoid of wisdom and practicality too. Why is God leading you to breakup? Are you not attracted to her? Is he not mature enough to lead you? Are you headed in two different directions in life? Do you just want to enjoy college without worrying about a relationship? Those reasons are fine, but be authentic.We can’t make the other person just look like a demon, because God loves and cares for them the same way He does for you, even if they aren’t Christian.

We’re all gonna sin in some way in a relationship: anger, selfishness, lust, pride, etc. We tend to only think of the “big” sins when it comes to God telling us not to do something, like fornication, cheating, drinking, abusiveness or drug use, but those little sins are just as important to avoid. In a lot of relationships, one person will say the other person was leading them to sexual sin or drug use, but ignore their own sins just because they weren't as big. No matter how hard we try we will continue to sin throughout life. The person we marry will be a sinner. So to say that God said not to be with a person because they sin seems poorly stated. Do you quit a job every time a boss wrongs you or cut your friends off when they wrong you? I believe that it’s more about the what specific sin is, the person’s heart towards sin, and their willingness to fight it. I think about when Jesus spoke to the adulterous woman in John 8. In verse 11, Jesus told her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.” Jesus didn’t condemn the woman because of her adultery, but He didn’t ignore or condone her sin. He told her to leave her life of sin. Jesus is ready to forgive any sin in our life, but confession and repentance means a change of heart. With God’s help we can accept Christ’s forgiveness and stop our wrongdoing. God will forgive us and we will fall short still, but our sin shouldn’t be intentional and shouldn’t be the same sins that we already asked forgiveness for.

A guy at a conference that I attended talked about how he and his wife’s relationship developed. They started dating in high school and they engaged in sex during their relationship, but in college his girlfriend’s relationship with Christ began to grow and she told him that she was going to be celibate. She gave him an ultimatum and told him for their relationship to continue that they would have to follow God’s will. He mentioned that she was farther along in her relationship with Christ, but eventually he caught up to her. Could she have ended the relationship? Yes, but I believe that God is just as pleased that they worked things out. Because he saw VALUE in her, his heart changed. So often we refuse to forgive people and give them second chances, but we forget that God forgives us daily and doesn’t give up on us. One of the most overlooked teachings in the Christian community is showing grace and mercy to others the same way that God shows us.

God didn’t tell Adam and Eve not to be together because of their sin and I don’t think He wants people to end relationships because of sin these days. Reconciliation is always the first option, especially if sex was involved. As mentioned above, we have to show grace but it would be unwise to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a repentant heart. I believe that not trying to make a relationship work after sex is involved downplays the sacredness of sex and marriage. Sex was created to be more than casual. This is ideal, but I’m also realistic. I understand that not every situation will have TWO people who want to fix things. So this is for people who do. It’s not about how you start but how you finish.

When we say that God told us to break up I feel like we’re not taking responsibility for our part in the relationship. Adam blamed Eve when God asked him about eating the fruit. He didn’t take responsibility for his role in things. Eve may have caused him to sin, but he caused her to as well by not being the leader that he was supposed to be. She would've never gotten the fruit if he was leading how as he was instructed to. Most times especially if we’ve been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, we both will sin and hurt each other. If you have sex with someone both of you are sinning. Unless you were raped or forced (God forbid), both of you CHOSE to engage in that. It’s unfair to say that this person is taking me away from God because they’re causing me to sin, because you’re taking them away from God’s will as well. When we look at it that way it causes us to humble ourselves and not cast blame so quickly. The failure to see our own sin makes us withhold forgiveness from others. That’s something that God got me to realize. God not only cares for me but the other person as well, and if I can’t help them (grow in Christ with them) I shouldn’t hurt them (sin with them), then blame everything on them..

With that said, the first and most obvious reason a Christian dating couple should breakup is if their continued relationship will lead to more sin rather than more glory to God. The main motivation for a Christian marriage is not companionship, financial stability, sex, or anything like that. Those are good benefits that should be enjoyed, but the main purpose of marriage is to glorify God. Therefore if a dating relationship is working against this goal rather than helping you accomplish your true purpose, you should break up. For example, if you are repeatedly failing to sexual temptation in the relationship but you do not want to move into marriage with this person, then the biblical solution is to break up. To remain in that season of intense temptation by not moving towards marriage or not breaking up is to miss the mark of true biblical repentance. You might feel sorry for continuing to struggle with sexual sin in the dating relationship, but if you are not taking practical steps to change your behavior you are not actually repenting. God wants us to end the relationship if it doesn’t bring us closer to God. Lots of times, however, sin is not the problem in the relationship. Romance is a funny thing. Sometimes you can explain why you don’t like someone and sometimes you can’t. As Christians we are not bound to just marry the holiest guy or girl you can meet. They must be a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39). They must be someone who is mature enough to fulfill their biblical role as a spouse. But just because they check these major boxes doesn’t mean you must marry them. Then other times I think it’s that we just don’t CHOOSE that person, and that’s fine. But we should own it. God gave us the freedom to choose anyone we want with only two main requirements: they must be of the opposite sex and must be a Christian. If the other person is those two things then I think you should be honest with them and not blame God. Blaming God may cause them to doubt themselves feeling like they aren’t good enough or that God doesn’t value their heart. I believe most of the time it’s our personal preferences that stop us. We want someone who’s tall, skinny, likes sports, shares our love for a particular thing, but this isn’t what God requires. In other words, don’t confuse your personal convictions with Biblical truths. It’s perfectly fine to have our preferences or convictions, but don’t make your preferences God’s requirements. That could make us become very legalistic. In Romans 14:1-3, Paul wrote: “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him.” "Disputable matters" are areas where the Bible doesn’t expressly give direction. Two disputable matters—among many others—were rampant in the church in Rome:
1. Eating meat offered to idols
2. Celebrating pagan holidays

Unfortunately, disputable issues still divide and hurt Christians today: drinking alcohol, dancing, dress, movies, music, video games, holidays, tattoos, body piercings, bodily augmentations or “upgrades”, worshipping with uplifted hands in prayer, homeschooling, and the list goes on. From my perspective the Indisputables are:
1. The Bible is the Word of God.
2. Jesus is 100% God and 100% man (the hypostatic union).
3. Jesus was virgin born.
4. Jesus died a substitutionary death on the cross to pay the penalty for our sin.
5. The bodily resurrection guaranteed that Christ’s mission was fulfilled.
6. Forgiveness of sin and salvation come solely by God’s grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
7. God establishes an eternal relationship with those who personally receive Him as Savior and Lord.
When we get these indisputables right, our priorities and choices will fall into place. We will live in deeper fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Jesus focused on the essentials as a powerful way to bring in the kingdom. So may we!

“If you are immature, you won’t care how you breakup; you will just do it and get out of the relationship as soon as possible because it no longer serves your purpose and you are being run by your feelings. You should be thoughtful and prayerful in how you break up out of respect for the other person and because you love God. That’s God’s child too, so don’t be rude or short just because you know you will no longer be in that person’s life. Overall, helpful honesty is the best route. I use the phrase “helpful honesty” because thoughtless honesty can be used as weapon. As Christians, our goal should always be to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Often times we error too much on one side. In other words, you can tell someone the truth when you are breaking up but do it in such an insensitive way that you are verbally beating the person up rather than helping them see any issues.”

But you can also try to be so loving you compromise on telling the truth. Never lie to someone when you are breaking up with them just to make them feel better. People know you are lying and often times people need to hear the truth in order to grow. Try to leave that person better than you found them. I believe that dating should be successful no matter if it leads to marriage or a breakup. Marriages lead to a lifetime of love and dating should lead to growth for the next relationship. He or she may not be your spouse, but one day they will be someone’s spouse. Perhaps God can use you to benefit that future marriage by telling someone the truth about areas that are hindering them. Not every relationship ends because of something bad. Sometimes the feelings just aren’t there. If that’s the case, just tell him or her the truth so they are not left wondering what happened. They may do that anyway no matter what you say, but at least your conscience can be clear when you simply tell the truth for why you want to breakup. I’ve been thankful enough to be with someone that we were both able to apologize and admit our mistakes. I believe that she forgives me as much as I forgive her. We can’t put all the blame on one person, because we chose to do wrong whether or not they suggested it or not. I know a lot of people may not agree with this post but that’s my perspective. People use that God told them something so often and I wonder if they ever really stop to listen to Him. I can recall reading about a mass shooter a few years ago saying that God told him to do it. At some point you have to question that voice. The devil speaks to us too. Anything that God tells you to do will line up with His Word, and His Word is love. Let all that you do be done in love, even breakups. God may sometimes speak audibly to people. It is highly doubtful, though, that this occurs as often as some people claim it does. Even in the Bible, God speaking audibly is the exception, not the ordinary. If anyone claims that God has spoken to him or her, always compare what is said with what the Bible says. If God were to speak today, His words would be in full agreement with what He has said in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16–17). God does not contradict Himself. I believe in the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” This may change your view or it may not. All I can do is challenge you to think. My water isn’t for everyone and I’m cool with that.

Employee or Entrepreneur?

Are you ever really your own boss? Is being a business owner better than working a 9-5? I hear a lot of people complaining about working a job and desiring to become an entrepreneur. Being that I’ve had experience in both, I don’t think one is better than the other. Both will have their pros and both come with cons. I want to shed light on my experience with both.
 
Working on a job comes with many positives. There is no overhead for one. You don’t have to pay any expenses, worry about lawsuits, hiring new employees, and making sure everything gets done correctly. Although work may be stressful, it’s nothing compared to being the owner. Most jobs usually have great healthcare benefits. Normally you will get a steady paycheck if you’re the employee. You get retirement after 20 or 30 years. If the company doesn’t make a profit the boss will usually try to pay you to make sure that you don’t quit. With the positives also comes negatives. You may get steady pay, but it’s usually limited to your hourly or salaried pay. If you’re the owner you earn more if business is exceeding expectations. As an employee you have to listen to the boss. You have to do what they tell you. Sometimes this may limit your creativity. You have to provide service to customers or do tasks that you may not agree with if you want to keep your job. You can’t just show up to work when you want to. Usually there’s a certain number of days that you can take off. A promotion or raise is only given if your employer feels the need to, not if you have the required skills to perform the new position.

Now to being an entrepreneur. My experience comes from working with my dad in his logging business and starting my own tree service. It’s truly a great thing, but it may not be for everyone. The great things about it are that you get to make your own schedule and accept clients that you want to. You have to be careful because if your business is doing well, it may cause you to focus too much on making money and neglect spending time with your family. If you feel that something is immoral then you have the control not to do it. You can make $10,000 or a have a really good profit on a good week, but remember you still have expenses to pay: equipment payments, insurance, payroll, gas, etc. Benefits like health insurance will be higher because you don’t get the group rate that larger businesses get. But being an entrepreneur are you really in control of everything? You’re never really your own boss, because you have to listen to the customer’s demands. If I own a restaurant I can’t just fix people’s food how I want to. If I do then I won’t be getting much business. With my dad’s logging business the property owner will tell us what trees to cut and how many. If we don’t obey we’ll be liable for paying for our mistakes. If we damage property we have to pay for that. In the service industry your customer is your boss. Depending on what kind of business you have, demand for it will be seasonal. For example, logging in the winter months it gets muddy in the woods so you can’t work as much. You can go from making that $10,000 to not even $1000 but your expenses are still the same. You have to save money from when business is booming for those slow seasons. A breakdown can cost anywhere from $50 to $5000+. You never truly get time off work. Either you’re trying to attract new clients or are trying to fix equipment. Usually you won’t make much money starting off because you have to buy equipment. Then if you’re not careful you may not make any when it’s paid off if your equipment gets worn down and starts needing repairs. There’s definitely a lot that goes into running your own business. Getting in it thinking that you'll become rich is the wrong mindset. That may happen for you, but you should do it because it's something that you enjoy doing and will allow you to show your own creativity. If you desire to become a business owner, don't be afraid to step out on faith and pursue that dream. But know that it will come with challenges.

I don’t want to discourage anyone from one or the other, but I want to make you aware of the sacrifices of each. Me personally, I like doing both. I like the benefits of not having all of the responsibility working a 9-5 and the freedom to work my own schedule and use my own creativity as an entrepreneur. One isn’t better than the other and we can’t look down on people who don’t desire to be entrepreneurs. Both of them are of equal importance. Whatever you choose, do you best to work diligently and provide great service.