Things to consider.........

Why do we take pride in being independent? 

Women take pride in not needing a man, we want to start a business by ourselves, we celebrate not having to ask anyone else for help. I can remember wanting to work on projects in school by myself. I knew that I could count on myself to get work done on time and correctly.  It’s something that I still struggle with today. Some of it is because I don’t trust some people and some of it is because I just find it easier to do things alone. We definitely should have some level of independence to ourselves, but it shouldn’t be the norm. God didn’t make us to be all alone. In the beginning He said that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Solomon spoke on how two are better than one. We’re the only creation that God made with a need for intimacy. We all have a desire to be known and understood. This companionship isn’t just limited to marriage, but friendships and all other relationships. Friends look out for us, help us when we’re weak, impart wisdom on us, hold us accountable, help us fulfill God’s commandment of love, and provide so many great benefits. The world sees isolation as a negative thing, but most of the time we see independence as a positive thing. If you commit a crime you go to jail and are separated from the general population. Solitary confinement is used as a form of punishment beyond incarceration to keep a prisoner from hurting themselves or someone else. Many of us are becoming prisoners on the outside. We cut everyone off and prefer to work alone, never relying on anyone for help and never being willing to help others. It’s impossible to go throughout life without getting hurt, but we can’t let that stop us from living and interacting with others. Do we prefer independence because it gives us bragging rights, we can say we did it on our own and get all the credit? Or do we think that's the way it's meant to be. It’s not good for us to be alone. After all, Michael Jordan didn’t win six championships by himself.



How can we become good spouses and have lasting marriages if we don’t go to school?

If I wanted to be a doctor or lawyer I would do all I could to prepare myself. I'd take all the high school science courses and try to do intern/job shadow people in the profession. I’d take the LSAT/MCAT then research the best schools to attend in order to pursue the required degree. I’d talk to doctors and nurses and ask them for information. I wouldn’t just say, “I want to be a lawyer and I’m just gonna figure it out as I go along”. How successful are we likely to be with that approach? We probably wouldn’t win many cases. There would probably be a lot of surgeries that go wrong? I feel like we approach relationships in this way though. It’s true that we can only learn some things from experience, but a lot of the things that we deal with in relationships can be made simpler by willing to be taught. In dating we don’t ask questions or want to listen to advice. Although there’s no formal school or degree for marriage, there is a way to learn how to be married before getting married. We don’t fail multiple classes on our way to getting our degree and just feel okay with it, but the way we date we think it’s normal to just have multiple failed relationships. When you see you’re struggling in a class you get tutoring, talk to the instructor, or get some other means of help. Do we do this in relationships? Even with all those steps you may still fail that class so it’s understandable if you have a few failed relationships, but I think many times we don’t seek help first. Treat relationships like school. Too many failures will ruin our GPA.

Marriage is one of the most serious things that you can do. We go to school for a career that we’ll only do 20-30 years of our life, but we don’t seek guidance or counseling for a job that’s supposed to last for the rest of our life. There’s books on marriage and seminars you can attend. Although we should use discernment on which ones to read and learn from, they’re very beneficial. We learn from observation and guidance. A man should learn how to be a husband and father from his father. A woman should learn how to be a wife and mother from her mother. But with the way the world is today, how many boys get to see a man leading his family? With no father in the home how many girls get to see their mother submit to their father and their father handling things that a man is meant to? Even some homes with both parents don’t get to see a great example of this? Out of all the things that my father taught me growing up, I can’t recall him ever teaching me about dating/courting. We’re left to “figure it out” on our own. Do parents not know how to teach it or do they just neglect to? Why don’t all pastors make premarital counseling a requirement for marriage? Isn’t marriage more important than a career? We’re not left to “figure out” our careers, so why would we treat marriage and relationships that way? Have you ever stop to thinking about your views on dating/relationships and why you feel the way you do towards it? I strongly believe that God prepares us for whatever He blesses us with.


Why is modern dating so different from biblical dating? 

This question goes hand in hand with the previous question. First, we have to define what dating is. Dating is meant to lead to marriage, and I believe much of the dysfunction in relationships is due to people not having that as the goal. The goal of dating should be to decide if you want to marry that person. If you decide you do want to get married, stop dating, get engaged, and get married. If you decide you do not want to marry that person, you have accomplished that goal and you should breakup. Dating should only continue when you are still unsure one way or the other. But the way in which we date today is more about just having a good time, then we can decide later if we want to get married. The system today’s young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We don’t like anyone to know who we’re dating which keeps us from being held accountable. We don’t introduce them to family right off until we know that it’s “sure”, but our family is supposed to help us in the decision making of that. I can understand the reasoning behind the way we do things but that doesn’t justify it. It’s like saying we don’t trust God’s way by coming up with our own rules. As Christians we’re called to be set apart from the world, so does the way we date let others know that I’m Christian or that I’m fitting in with the world. We hear a lot about being celibate when it comes to dating, but biblical dating is so much more than just practicing celibacy. When it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. That truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonor to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church. It doesn’t have to be this way. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you’re a Christian, that’s the biblical life you’re called to. Many will argue that the Bible doesn’t give us instructions on how to date, but that’s not true. God cares so much about us and every area of our life, so why would He leave out such critical information on the process of finding our spouse. The theological doctrine sufficiency of Scripture simply holds that the Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and that there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. The sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

The Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. Some things it talks about explicitly, like salvation or sanctification or marriage or elders. The Bible guides us in some areas by broader, more general principles and ideas we can build on as we strive to live the Christian life in practical ways. In either case, no area of life falls totally outside of the guidance and authority of God’s Word. My point is that we cannot simply state that the Bible “doesn’t mention dating or courtship,” and then think we’re off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world’s terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God’s Word. If the doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture is true, then God’s Word does have authoritative guidance for us about how we might best glorify God in this area of our lives. That means our conversation has to be a biblical conversation.

So what is biblical dating? It can be defined as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:

1. That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman’s father or family;
2. that is conducted under the authority of the woman’s father or family or church; and
3. that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.

The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical dating is largely by example and implication.

Modern dating basically has the same basic definition but looks differently when viewed closer.

1. that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
2. that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person’s family or church; and
3. that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely “recreational” or “educational.”

There’s no biblical support to this way of dating. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn’t even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn’t even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical dating have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.

We can look at so many differences between modern dating and biblical dating. Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person’s life before marriage. In fact, it advocates “playing the field” in order to determine “what one wants” in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex: your spouse. Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional “wiring” or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complementarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family). Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well. Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy. Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires,” and a bad one won’t — it’s essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God. Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes no physical intimacy and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage. Modern dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

I’m confident that many of you will disagree with some of my statements. Ask yourself why. I have a particular challenge for those of you whose main objection is that the practical details “are not explicitly biblical”: think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your dating life. Can you find explicit support for the modern approach in Scripture? Are there even broad principles in Scripture that justify the modern vision of dating (or yours, whatever it may be)? The Bible simply doesn’t give us explicit instructions on some things. Fair enough. In such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to clear biblical teaching. In other words, within the many gray areas here, what conduct in our dating lives will help us to best care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to His name?

That’s it. That’s a basic framework for biblical dating as best I can discern it from the principles of God’s Word. Now, you’re on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I’ve said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron.

Why do people avoid change?

“Failure or no change in your character could be an indication of lack of time spent with God.” Why should a 50 year old man still think it’s cool to spend every weekend out with his boys when he has a wife and kids at home? Why would a 35 year old woman find no problem spending 200-300 a week on hair and makeup? I had a conversation with one of my friends about hanging out 5-10 years from now. I told him that we probably won’t be hanging out as much especially if I’m married. My priorities will be different and so will my behavior. My family will come first. It’s not that our friendship will change, but my priorities will be different. A married person can’t do what a single person does. A CEO can’t do what an entry level worker does. Priorities promote change. Maturing promotes change. There’s nothing wrong with those things, but the older you get and more you priorities change the more your mind should value some things less. Our inner being should constantly be changing. Growth is a life long process. We may stop growing physically in our early 20s but we should never stop growing spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

How can we progress in life if we fear change? If I’m on a job where I don’t mind being late or not taking my responsibilities seriously, how can I expect to be promoted? Are we even equipping ourselves and trying to grow? I hear a lot of people talking about not getting in a relationship with someone who wants to change you, but I disagree. Relationships, especially intimate relationships should encourage you to change. They’re like mirrors, sometimes the person you’re with can see things in you that you don’t even see in yourself. Consider it is what they’re saying before you tune them out. We should all want to change because none of us are perfect and others are meant to help us grow. You don’t have to change certain things about yourself, but if you’re content with being just the way you are 10, 20, 30 years from now then you’re a stagnant person, and that’s not great. Ask yourself what changes can be made to bring you closer to God, loving others, and developing your character. Those are changes that you should never be reluctant to make.

Why don’t more couples want to be relationship goals? 

We aspire to be role models in our careers but not in friendships, marriages, etc. If no one else sees your relationship as goals, at the least your family should. Your children should learn about marriage from your example. Divorcees in your family should learn what they can do if they remarry. You should strive to break generational curses with your example. I believe that a lot of people shy away from wanting to have others look at their relationship as a model is due to the possibility that it may fail, but we fail at jobs, degrees, and many other things but that doesn’t stop us from being role models in those areas. People can learn from your failures too. Be transparent. Tell people that marriage isn’t all peaches and cream, but in the end it’s all worth it. Reversing 20-30 years of selfishness shouldn’t be easy but it’s possible and very rewarding. Marriage is an everyday exercise in repentance and forgiveness. There’s no way to be the perfect spouse; I am a sinner and my sin will hurt those around me. Yet in our imperfection, we can consistently point to a perfect Savior. The willingness to do that — to die to our pride that another may be glorified — shows in a real way that we grasp the goodness and power of the gospel. I have to admit that I look up to married couples for inspiration, and I've talked with other men who do as well. It’s easy to get discouraged while dating/courting after seeing all these couples breaking up and getting divorced. I know it may be putting pressure on married couples, but you should want to be the example for single people. You made those vows and you should strive to honor them. It breaks my heart that a lot of marriages give bad examples. I know we all love the good times in relationships, but teach us how to deal with the bad times. Show us that you two relied on God to make your union last. Can you show us that love is everything that God says that it is?