The Blame Game

Many times we apply “God told me” to intimate relationships, but not friends, work, and many other things in our life. Why doesn’t God tell you to quit your job when your boss tells you to do something immoral or a friend does something to upset you? God doesn’t just talk to us about boyfriend/girlfriends, but every relationship and everything that we’re involved in. Either we ignore God’s voice in these situations or we deal with it because we value them. I’m not saying that God doesn’t tell us to break up with someone but I do believe that we have to take responsibility for our part and own our choices. When God leads us to make decisions in life, those choices are not devoid of wisdom and practicality too. Why is God leading you to breakup? Are you not attracted to her? Is he not mature enough to lead you? Are you headed in two different directions in life? Do you just want to enjoy college without worrying about a relationship? Those reasons are fine, but be authentic.We can’t make the other person just look like a demon, because God loves and cares for them the same way He does for you, even if they aren’t Christian.

We’re all gonna sin in some way in a relationship: anger, selfishness, lust, pride, etc. We tend to only think of the “big” sins when it comes to God telling us not to do something, like fornication, cheating, drinking, abusiveness or drug use, but those little sins are just as important to avoid. In a lot of relationships, one person will say the other person was leading them to sexual sin or drug use, but ignore their own sins just because they weren't as big. No matter how hard we try we will continue to sin throughout life. The person we marry will be a sinner. So to say that God said not to be with a person because they sin seems poorly stated. Do you quit a job every time a boss wrongs you or cut your friends off when they wrong you? I believe that it’s more about the what specific sin is, the person’s heart towards sin, and their willingness to fight it. I think about when Jesus spoke to the adulterous woman in John 8. In verse 11, Jesus told her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.” Jesus didn’t condemn the woman because of her adultery, but He didn’t ignore or condone her sin. He told her to leave her life of sin. Jesus is ready to forgive any sin in our life, but confession and repentance means a change of heart. With God’s help we can accept Christ’s forgiveness and stop our wrongdoing. God will forgive us and we will fall short still, but our sin shouldn’t be intentional and shouldn’t be the same sins that we already asked forgiveness for.

A guy at a conference that I attended talked about how he and his wife’s relationship developed. They started dating in high school and they engaged in sex during their relationship, but in college his girlfriend’s relationship with Christ began to grow and she told him that she was going to be celibate. She gave him an ultimatum and told him for their relationship to continue that they would have to follow God’s will. He mentioned that she was farther along in her relationship with Christ, but eventually he caught up to her. Could she have ended the relationship? Yes, but I believe that God is just as pleased that they worked things out. Because he saw VALUE in her, his heart changed. So often we refuse to forgive people and give them second chances, but we forget that God forgives us daily and doesn’t give up on us. One of the most overlooked teachings in the Christian community is showing grace and mercy to others the same way that God shows us.

God didn’t tell Adam and Eve not to be together because of their sin and I don’t think He wants people to end relationships because of sin these days. Reconciliation is always the first option, especially if sex was involved. As mentioned above, we have to show grace but it would be unwise to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a repentant heart. I believe that not trying to make a relationship work after sex is involved downplays the sacredness of sex and marriage. Sex was created to be more than casual. This is ideal, but I’m also realistic. I understand that not every situation will have TWO people who want to fix things. So this is for people who do. It’s not about how you start but how you finish.

When we say that God told us to break up I feel like we’re not taking responsibility for our part in the relationship. Adam blamed Eve when God asked him about eating the fruit. He didn’t take responsibility for his role in things. Eve may have caused him to sin, but he caused her to as well by not being the leader that he was supposed to be. She would've never gotten the fruit if he was leading how as he was instructed to. Most times especially if we’ve been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, we both will sin and hurt each other. If you have sex with someone both of you are sinning. Unless you were raped or forced (God forbid), both of you CHOSE to engage in that. It’s unfair to say that this person is taking me away from God because they’re causing me to sin, because you’re taking them away from God’s will as well. When we look at it that way it causes us to humble ourselves and not cast blame so quickly. The failure to see our own sin makes us withhold forgiveness from others. That’s something that God got me to realize. God not only cares for me but the other person as well, and if I can’t help them (grow in Christ with them) I shouldn’t hurt them (sin with them), then blame everything on them..

With that said, the first and most obvious reason a Christian dating couple should breakup is if their continued relationship will lead to more sin rather than more glory to God. The main motivation for a Christian marriage is not companionship, financial stability, sex, or anything like that. Those are good benefits that should be enjoyed, but the main purpose of marriage is to glorify God. Therefore if a dating relationship is working against this goal rather than helping you accomplish your true purpose, you should break up. For example, if you are repeatedly failing to sexual temptation in the relationship but you do not want to move into marriage with this person, then the biblical solution is to break up. To remain in that season of intense temptation by not moving towards marriage or not breaking up is to miss the mark of true biblical repentance. You might feel sorry for continuing to struggle with sexual sin in the dating relationship, but if you are not taking practical steps to change your behavior you are not actually repenting. God wants us to end the relationship if it doesn’t bring us closer to God. Lots of times, however, sin is not the problem in the relationship. Romance is a funny thing. Sometimes you can explain why you don’t like someone and sometimes you can’t. As Christians we are not bound to just marry the holiest guy or girl you can meet. They must be a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39). They must be someone who is mature enough to fulfill their biblical role as a spouse. But just because they check these major boxes doesn’t mean you must marry them. Then other times I think it’s that we just don’t CHOOSE that person, and that’s fine. But we should own it. God gave us the freedom to choose anyone we want with only two main requirements: they must be of the opposite sex and must be a Christian. If the other person is those two things then I think you should be honest with them and not blame God. Blaming God may cause them to doubt themselves feeling like they aren’t good enough or that God doesn’t value their heart. I believe most of the time it’s our personal preferences that stop us. We want someone who’s tall, skinny, likes sports, shares our love for a particular thing, but this isn’t what God requires. In other words, don’t confuse your personal convictions with Biblical truths. It’s perfectly fine to have our preferences or convictions, but don’t make your preferences God’s requirements. That could make us become very legalistic. In Romans 14:1-3, Paul wrote: “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him.” "Disputable matters" are areas where the Bible doesn’t expressly give direction. Two disputable matters—among many others—were rampant in the church in Rome:
1. Eating meat offered to idols
2. Celebrating pagan holidays

Unfortunately, disputable issues still divide and hurt Christians today: drinking alcohol, dancing, dress, movies, music, video games, holidays, tattoos, body piercings, bodily augmentations or “upgrades”, worshipping with uplifted hands in prayer, homeschooling, and the list goes on. From my perspective the Indisputables are:
1. The Bible is the Word of God.
2. Jesus is 100% God and 100% man (the hypostatic union).
3. Jesus was virgin born.
4. Jesus died a substitutionary death on the cross to pay the penalty for our sin.
5. The bodily resurrection guaranteed that Christ’s mission was fulfilled.
6. Forgiveness of sin and salvation come solely by God’s grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
7. God establishes an eternal relationship with those who personally receive Him as Savior and Lord.
When we get these indisputables right, our priorities and choices will fall into place. We will live in deeper fellowship with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Jesus focused on the essentials as a powerful way to bring in the kingdom. So may we!

“If you are immature, you won’t care how you breakup; you will just do it and get out of the relationship as soon as possible because it no longer serves your purpose and you are being run by your feelings. You should be thoughtful and prayerful in how you break up out of respect for the other person and because you love God. That’s God’s child too, so don’t be rude or short just because you know you will no longer be in that person’s life. Overall, helpful honesty is the best route. I use the phrase “helpful honesty” because thoughtless honesty can be used as weapon. As Christians, our goal should always be to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Often times we error too much on one side. In other words, you can tell someone the truth when you are breaking up but do it in such an insensitive way that you are verbally beating the person up rather than helping them see any issues.”

But you can also try to be so loving you compromise on telling the truth. Never lie to someone when you are breaking up with them just to make them feel better. People know you are lying and often times people need to hear the truth in order to grow. Try to leave that person better than you found them. I believe that dating should be successful no matter if it leads to marriage or a breakup. Marriages lead to a lifetime of love and dating should lead to growth for the next relationship. He or she may not be your spouse, but one day they will be someone’s spouse. Perhaps God can use you to benefit that future marriage by telling someone the truth about areas that are hindering them. Not every relationship ends because of something bad. Sometimes the feelings just aren’t there. If that’s the case, just tell him or her the truth so they are not left wondering what happened. They may do that anyway no matter what you say, but at least your conscience can be clear when you simply tell the truth for why you want to breakup. I’ve been thankful enough to be with someone that we were both able to apologize and admit our mistakes. I believe that she forgives me as much as I forgive her. We can’t put all the blame on one person, because we chose to do wrong whether or not they suggested it or not. I know a lot of people may not agree with this post but that’s my perspective. People use that God told them something so often and I wonder if they ever really stop to listen to Him. I can recall reading about a mass shooter a few years ago saying that God told him to do it. At some point you have to question that voice. The devil speaks to us too. Anything that God tells you to do will line up with His Word, and His Word is love. Let all that you do be done in love, even breakups. God may sometimes speak audibly to people. It is highly doubtful, though, that this occurs as often as some people claim it does. Even in the Bible, God speaking audibly is the exception, not the ordinary. If anyone claims that God has spoken to him or her, always compare what is said with what the Bible says. If God were to speak today, His words would be in full agreement with what He has said in the Bible (2 Timothy 3:16–17). God does not contradict Himself. I believe in the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” This may change your view or it may not. All I can do is challenge you to think. My water isn’t for everyone and I’m cool with that.