I took several things away from this video. There have been mixed reactions to it. Some say Kevin Samuels was too harsh, while others say that he only told this woman the truth. I can agree with both of those opinions, but I want to focus more on the truthfulness of it. The problem is that we live in a world that if you say anything other than what a person wants to hear then your advice is discredited. Or if you say it in a harsh way, your tone is keeping people from hearing the message. I think back to my childhood when I played sports. My coach wanted me to do a specific thing on the field. When I made mistakes he may have yelled, but he was speaking truth to correct my behavior. Or when a parent yells at a child who’s misbehaving, is the parent in the wrong? Don’t be so focused on the messenger that you miss the message. I agree that Mr. Samuels could’ve used a different tone and delivery, but overall he told this woman the truth. I took away a few things from this video:
1. If you research Kevin Samuels you will see his title is an image consultant. He focuses on what he calls the “high value man”. These are men who make six figures or more and are considered top tier in all aspects. The high value man is determined by the market. It starts with money (10K per month in Atlanta). The second component requires that that money be made over a length of time (3-5 years). It’s a matter of consistency. The third part is being accepted by other high value men. The fourth component is a network (of other high value men 1st then others). The fifth is visibility (position and income are LinkedIn level). They are CEOs and VPs of companies. The sixth is utility (useful to the group and others). Their presence is felt when they’re there and their absence is felt when they’re not. There are many components to the high value man but these are the basics.
We live in a world where so many people feel entitled to things. The woman in the video is seeking a high value man. I’ve seen women reacting to this video telling this woman what she deserves. True enough everyone should be with someone who cares for them, but when you put all this extra criteria on it as if you’re entitled to it then you’re bound to get disappointed. I can say I know my value, and therefore the dealership should approve me for a Bentley or I should be allowed to get a million dollar house. I can say that I want to attend Yale, but if my grades and finances won’t allow me then I can’t. I have to be approved for a loan and accepted by the school according to what they require. But unlike buying a car or house, my salary doesn’t mean I deserve to be with a certain woman. I don’t make the standards, the person or place I’m looking to be accepted by does. In this same way men make the standards on what they want from a woman. People always say that God will bless you, but put extra criteria on his blessings. If I ask God for a car when I have none I can’t say I deserve a Bentley when He provides a Toyota. God told us that He would supply our needs, not all of our little wants.
2. Why are women the only ones allowed to have standards? And why are their standards supposed to be the only ones that matter? Men get rejected all the time and no pity party is thrown for us. Just as she is focused on her income, most of the men that she desires will be focused on her looks. That’s what she wasn’t understanding, and as shallow as that may seem for men or women, he was giving her reality. This lady kept saying that she made six figures, which she felt would qualify her for a man who did likewise. She could date an average man, but she feels she deserves a high value man. As Mr. Samuels said, men don’t look at money the same as women. I could care less about your money if I make six figures myself. I mean it’s nice if you bring that to the table, but that’s not a requirement of most men who make that kind of money. Most women don’t invest financially into a man the same as men do, so why would he care about how much you make? Another point he brought up is her child. People don’t realize how much of a factor that plays in dating. Not only are you having to date the mother, but you have a child from the start of the relationship as well. You have to get to know that child as well. That’s another responsibility that you may not be ready for and then it brings in the dynamic of having to discipline that child as well. Being with someone with children also robs the man of having those experiences of the two having their first child together. There’s nothing against women with children, but if a man has put himself into position to have a decent income, be well educated, and not have any children when he meets you, then why can’t he expect the woman to do the same? Men desire things as well, just not the same things as women do. You can want what you want, but that doesn’t guarantee someone else will value that as you do.
3. What does it mean to be with someone on your level? Why is someone’s income considered as being on your level? I think back to Solomon in the Bible who was the richest man in the world, but all that wealth still left him feeling empty inside and stressed out. In a relationship/marriage it’s more than about money. That’s not saying that money isn’t important, but it isn’t the most important thing. Suppose that this woman does date/marry a man making six figures. He’s an athlete or investment banker. This guy hates his job so a few years into the relationship he decides to follow his childhood dream of being a cop, teacher, a mayor back in his small hometown, etc. Does she leave this man because he no longer makes six figures? You date/marry a man’s vision, not his income. You should be worried that he will be a provider, but you don’t need six figures for that. When people mention being with someone on their level it’s most often related to wealth and education, but where does character rank in the equation? A relationship is built on intimacy. It’s far more important to be with someone that you can connect with intimately and intellectually than financially.
4. There are consequences to your actions. This goes with feeling entitled. We live in a world that doesn’t want to deal with consequences. I can party my life away and still have the life of someone who worked diligently for years. I can have sex with hundreds of people and it have no effects on my marriage. My pastor talks about weddings and baby showers. One thing that this world has become comfortable with is having baby showers for unwed mothers. We glorify having babies before getting married. A baby shower is meant to celebrate a married couple having a baby. Now we’re saying that marriage isn’t important in order to celebrate it. Yes the family should still support the mother, but you don’t throw an extravagant celebration making it seem okay to have children before a wedding. This woman has consequences to her actions. Because she chose not to wait until marriage to have children, she will have to face that. You can call it unfair, mean, or whatever you choose to, but that’s reality. That’s not saying that she’s undeserving of love, but we all have to face the consequences of our actions no matter how big or small.
So many people who either didn’t watch the video or didn’t pay attention took many of the things from it out of context. Mr. Samuels said the woman would die alone if she holds to those standards. It’s okay to want what you want, but buy what you can afford. It’s okay to go after your dreams and desires, but don’t bank on things that have a small probability of happening. We have to live in reality and not what we feel. Mr. Samuels brought out facts and her feelings don’t negate facts. Statistics are from factual events. She’s looking to get one of the men in the top 10% of all earners with so much against her. Majority of them would prefer someone younger and with no children. And no matter how she feels about that it’s the reality she lives in. It’s not to say that she can’t get one of those men, but it’s a small chance considering all the facts that were stated in the video. We can only progress and grow if we learn to accept truth. In a deeper point that I believe has some relevance to this situation, I look at Jesus teaching to the crowd in John 6. When confronted with spiritual needs and a spiritual message, most people will turn it down. What society wants is spectacle, material things, and a political savior. Jesus' teaching challenged their beliefs, and for some, this is simply too much to bear. Rather than change their minds, they walk away. This is the fundamental reason people reject Jesus Christ: He doesn't coordinate with their own selfish interests. When confronted with a challenging truth many people decide to completely reject it, rather than change their minds. We have to change our minds and change our behaviors. Another thing I took from this situation is her desires in a man. “And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure. ~ James 4:3” What she’s looking for has no real depth to it. She’s focused on what a man has materially. This is like much of society. Women chase after money, men chase after looks. In turn they end up with someone God never intended for them to be with. God is more focused on us seeking character in a mate and wanting a mate for the right reasons. That’s a lesson for all of us.
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