This post is probably gonna be all over the place, but I’m going to try to keep it together as best as I can. I hope that you’re able to follow along. I want to talk about a very popular topic of discussion: dating and marriage. For many of us who desire marriage, we look for information on how to go about it. I desire to be married someday, but one thing that makes me afraid to get married is divorce. The divorce rate in society is so high, even among Christians it’s a lot higher than it should be. I think about what reasons people get divorced. I’ve heard a lot that, “we grew apart”, “he/she just wasn’t the one for me”, or something along those lines. I just find it so hard to agree with those things. I want to go into further detail.
The number one thing that I feel that needs to be addressed is, Does God tell us who to marry? Many people will say that God told them that someone was their spouse. Here’s what I believe you do have right: God speaks. Thankfully for us, he wants us to know him! Hebrews 1:1–2 is clear:
Long ago, at many times and in many ways, God spoke to our fathers by the prophets, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed the heir of all things, through whom also he created the world.
The point of Hebrews 1 is to show the supremacy of Christ. God used to speak through the prophets, but now he has done something even better. He has spoken to us by sending his Son to us! While Hebrews 1 is all about Jesus, I think we can learn from these first two verses about how God has spoken and still speaks today.
I would like to reference another verse. Look at 1 Corinthians 7:39:
A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord.
This verse is saying that we have a say in who we marry. We are free to choose to marry anyone we want, as long as they have a relationship with God. I think that the biggest piece of advice that we can give to someone about dating and marriage is to study God’s Word. God gave us free will. We have the ability to choose whomever we want to to a certain extent. God essentially gave us two rules for choosing a spouse. The person we choose must be of the opposite sex, and we must be equally yoked. The way in which God indirectly tells us who to marry is that he wants us to choose someone who loves Him, and we know that a person loves Him by their actions. This person should exhibit the characteristics found in scripture. He tells us the things to look for in a spouse, but I don’t believe He tells us who to marry because those two rules are enough. What does this mean in regard to marriage? God gives us great freedom in choosing whom we’ll marry. So, marvel at the fact that God has spoken to us through sending his beloved Son, accept that word as enough for you, and then WISELY choose whom you will marry. And when you get married, only then have you found THE ONE. God said to not put asunder anything that He joined together. That’s why it’s best to choose wisely so that you don’t end up with the WRONG ONE.
People have overcomplicated what it takes to stay in a relationship or marriage. It’s so simple, but we as humans make it seem so difficult. We’re all sinners, even the person we choose, but find someone who wants to pursue the path of righteousness with you. Any two people can make a marriage work, no matter what differences they have, ONLY if they can abide by these four principles that I want to talk about.
“…many of us need to be reminded that God’s perfect person for me isn’t all that perfect. Every person who marries is a sinner, so the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection, but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus. It is a faith-filled attempt to become like him and make him known together. Regardless of the believer you marry, you will likely find out soon that you do not feel as “compatible” as you once did, but hopefully you will marvel more at God’s love for you in Jesus and the amazing privilege it is to live out that love together, especially in light of your differences.” Marshall Segal, Not Yet Married
Grace
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” –Ephesians 4:32
I think that I’m a great man. As a matter of fact I know that I’m a great man. But even as great as I may be and as much as I love God, even on my best day I’ll fall short of perfection. I can be impatient at times, selfish, lazy, angry, and do so many other things that displease God, but does this make me unlovable? No it doesn’t. In fact we all have bad qualities in us, but sometimes we can only see the “red flags” in others (Matthew 7:3-5). Many times in dating we become so focused on finding out what the other person is doing wrong that we develop a view that we’re perfect ourselves. Sometimes we just have to do some self-evaluation. If God can still love me with all of my shortcomings to love Him with my whole heart, then why can’t I love this person that way. God shows us grace everyday and I think sometimes we find it hard to extend grace to others.
While I may never love like Jesus, that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t strive to. To truly commit to someone, a lot of grace has to be shown. In no way do I believe that if someone is abusive do I think you should stay with them or if they cheat you should tough it out, but a lot of times our relationships fail because we refuse to show grace in the little things. We have to remember that everyone wasn’t raised the way you were or had the same Biblical teaching that you had. With humility and the desire to seek God together can fix a lot of things. Relationships are always going to be difficult, but by bringing grace into the picture: no one has to live up to an idea of perfection, mistakes are allowed, forgiveness is given, and each person in the relationship accepts the other for who they are, including their flaws.
Forgiveness
"And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” -Ephesians 5:21
Marriage is an everyday exercise in repentance and forgiveness. There’s no way to be the perfect spouse; I am a sinner and my sin will hurt those around me. Yet in our imperfection, we can consistently point to a perfect Savior. The willingness to do that — to die to our pride that another may be glorified — shows in a real way that we grasp the goodness and power of the gospel. But is there any biblical truth clearer than the fact that you and I mess up? And that we do it often? From the wisdom of Solomon (Ecclesiastes 7:20), to the experience of Paul (Romans 7:18–19), to the pastoral expertise of John (1 John 1:8), all testify to our inability to be faultless.
And yet, can the Bible speak any more clearly about God’s forgiveness? You and I are free in Christ to admit when we have been wrong (Romans 8:1), remembering that there is nothing, even the height of our incompetence, that can separate us from him (Romans 8:31–39). Those promises should give us the sort of resolute joy that allows us to look one another in the eye and admit our faults without hesitation or qualification. Just as important as forgiving is, it’s equally important to admit when we are wrong. When conflict arises, our first instinct is to reinforce our innocence while exaggerating our spouse’s guilt. Our wounded pride wants to be soothed with the ointment of self-righteousness. The book of Proverbs talks about the destructive effects of pride. But self-righteousness is no solution at all. It merely fans the flame of hurt into an inferno of anger and cares, not caring whom it injures along the way. Instead, we need to douse the fire of an aching ego, apply God’s promises of no condemnation, and utter these three words: Please forgive me.
“A relationship wedge is anything that has the potential to drive you and someone you care about apart. The first and most dangerous wedge is pride. Specifically, the kind of pride that keeps you from apologizing or making the first move in resolving conflict. Pride is what turns simple misunderstandings into long-term problems. Eliminating pride from your interactions with those you care about can do wonders for your relationship.” - Dr. Gary Chapman
Commitment
Marriage and relationships are more about commitment than they are chemistry. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Anyone can stay onboard when things are going great, but will you abandon ship when the storm comes. In many cultures, including the biblical culture, they practice arranged marriages, which typically has a very low divorce rate. In those cultures, “love” is more than just feelings; it means commitment. Love as a feeling will have seasons of strength and seasons where it seems to diminish totally. Marriages based primarily on one’s feelings will have the consistency of the ocean during a lunar eclipse. This is why you often hear people say, “We just fell out of love,” when divorcing, which means they lost the early feelings they had in the marriage.
We will consider love as a form of commitment. My favorite definition of love is “to give not caring what one gets in return.” Many would call this love, agape, the Greek term for God’s love for us. To agape means a married person is saying to his or her mate, “If at some point I don’t have loving feelings for you, I will still love you. If you get sick and can’t respond in love towards me, I will still love you. If you treat me unlovingly, I will still respond in love towards you.” This type of love is divine, and it is this love God originally meant to be experienced in marriages.
An example of God’s commitment to his people and what our commitment in marriage should look like is seen in the book of Hosea. God told the prophet Hosea to marry a woman who would eventually become a prostitute and cheat on him. God was going to use Hosea’s marriage to display his commitment and love for Israel, who had been unfaithful to him by worshipping false gods. Look at Hosea 3:1-5.
After Hosea’s wife had left him and cheated on him, he sought to restore their relationship in obedience to God. While prostituting, she somehow became a slave. Hosea bought her out of slavery and took her back as his wife (v. 2). Hosea’s love for his wife was meant to reflect God’s love for the people of Israel. Israel had cheated on God, and yet the Lord still took them back, which reflects his committed love. Many theologians believe Israel’s current state was prophesied by these verses. They are currently without priest, prophet, or sacrifice as they have rejected God. But when Christ returns, then they will be restored to God—their faithful covenant partner (v. 4-5).
Again, here we see God’s covenant faithfulness. He will one day take his wife, Israel, back, even though she committed spiritual adultery. God covenanted with Abraham and his descendants, and he will be faithful to fulfill that covenant.
As Christians called to reflect God’s image, we must seek to model his commitment to his people, his bride. It was this type of commitment that Hosea modeled in his marriage. He took his wife back, even though she cheated on him. By doing this, he modeled God’s love and commitment to Israel. Marriage was always meant to symbolize God and his love for his people (cf. Eph. 5:22-27).
It is difficult to imagine a marriage partner being unfaithful or failing us in any way, but it is wise to consider your response to unfaithfulness even before entering the marriage covenant. If one of the purposes of marriage is to be a reflection of God’s relationship to his people, then we cannot but consider this. As believers, marriage is not primarily for our self-fulfillment and happiness; it is to bring God glory as it reflects him.
In addition, we must consider this type of commitment because we are marrying people who are infected by sin and are prone to fail. If we are going to model God’s love and commitment in marriage, we must ask ourselves, “Are we truly willing to be committed to our mates through the good and the bad, success and failure?”
In most marriages, couples are only committed when one person keeps his or her side of the covenant. However, that looks nothing like God’s love. Marriage is different from dating. It is supposed to be a committed love, a persevering love, a hopeful love, especially when the relationship is tough. Again, one must ask himself even before getting married if he is really willing to display this type of commitment.
As mentioned previously, arranged marriages have a very low divorce rate, and this may be true, in part, because of the great amount of shame that comes with divorce in those cultures. This is interesting to consider since there is very little to no shame for divorce in many other cultures, especially in the west. It has almost become popular. I read a bumper sticker the other day that said, “I am always right! Ask my two ex-wives.” Divorce has become almost expected, which is why so many people are choosing not to marry and to instead just live together. And if they do marry, they realize that they have a “get out of jail” card, which they keep close to the chest.
This attitude is obviously very different from the way God views divorce. Consider God’s anger over divorce in Malachi 2:16. It says:
‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,’ says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
Death
“and the two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one,” -Mark 10:8
“Till death do us part” as they say, or should it be “With death may we remain together”? Any two people can make a relationship or marriage work. One of the most important principles that will make this work is dying. Relationships require us to die to ourselves. No matter how much we may have in common with someone, there will still be things that we don’t see eye to eye on. This is where submitting to one another and compromising must come into play. It’s hard work going from living a life of independence to having to consider another person in every decision that you make. But it is possible because God said so.
According to Mark Ashton, Senior Pastor of Christ Community Church, Dying to oneself enables the believer to forgive freely. “If you are already ‘dead,’ then there is nothing to lose, nothing to trample on, nothing to protect,” he says. “You can let go of your ego and set the prisoner free. The irony is that when you do, you find that the prisoner of unforgiveness was you all along.”
It is one’s pride that leads them to hold on to an offense and to work it until bitterness takes root. But children of God are to be known by their love. When we die to ourselves, we crucify our pride and open our hearts to the healing, reconciling, and restoring love of God. Dying to oneself fosters the fruits of the spirit. In Galatians chapter 5, Paul provides two contrasting images, one is the man consumed by self and the other is the one yielded to the Holy Spirit. Self-love, or feeding the flesh, Paul says, leads to all sorts of relationship-destroying behaviors like strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, envy and “anything similar.” (Galatians 5:19-21.) Divorce courts throughout America are filled with individuals who live this way.
In marriage, death to self leads to life, the kind God intended when He said, in Genesis 2:24, that the two would become one.
I think too many times we hear that marriage is 50/50. I read a book once about the 100/0 principle. The idea behind this principle is that we love others with 100% of ourselves—never expecting anything in return. This is how Jesus loves us. He gave of Himself completely, to the point of death, in order that we might live. When we love 100 percent with 0 percent expectation, we're never let down. We’re free to love, because we choose to, not because we feel like it’s our duty or obligation. Apart from Christ, we are incapable of consistently offering this kind of generous, sacrificial love. But when we die to ourselves, laying our will aside, and yield to God’s Spirit, His love begins to flow through us.
When you feel frustrated or angry with your spouse, turn to God in prayer. You might have to say, “Lord, I need you to love him/her through me right now, because I’m not even sure I like him/her!’” During these times, contemplating God’s great love for yourself helps. I remember how difficult a person I can be, but God still loves me. And He forgives me. How can I not do the same for the woman I vowed to spend my life with? When you are dead, humility and submission come much easier. There is no will to power. There is no claiming of rights. There is no need to control. This enables us to demonstrate the submission commanded in Ephesians chapter five. As we die to ourselves, our agenda becomes lifting the other person up, focusing on their needs, and showing them that they are loved. When we behave that way, intimacy skyrockets. Self-love is the root of pride and bitterness, and it’s the antonym to marital intimacy. But when we die to ourselves and yield to the Holy Spirit, God’s unifying, healing, and restoring love flows unhindered through us, leading to a strong and thriving marriage.
Learning to Date
So the question is, how do we date well? I can remember a married friend of mine telling me, “You don’t look for a reason not to marry someone, you look for a reason to marry them.” I think that that is a very profound statement, because when you think of how imperfect we all are there will always be a reason as to why things won’t work, but focus on the reason that it should: your shared love for bringing glory to God. There’s a lot of dating and relationship advice out there to follow. I’ve read a few Christian dating books. I’ve read books where married couples said they didn’t kiss until marriage. Some say that it’s okay to kiss before marriage. Some say that you know that you want to marry someone within a few weeks. Some say that it takes months to get to know if you should marry them. Other advice includes:
▪ Date for at least a year.
▪ Don’t date for any more than a year.
▪ Date exclusively in groups.
▪ Make sure you get plenty of time one on one.
▪ Don’t kiss before you’re married.
▪ How can you know you have chemistry without kissing?
▪ Put clear boundaries into place.
▪ Don’t try to follow everyone else’s rules.
▪ Spend lots of time together.
▪ Be careful how much time you spend together.
I could go on, and if you’re a part of almost any kind of Christian community, you probably can too. Even though we’re following Jesus, and reading the same Bible, and aiming for the covenant of marriage, our dating advice can be wide and diverse. One Lord, one faith, one baptism — and a billion different dating tips. A better question would be, “How will God get the glory out of this?” Everything that we do must give God glory, even dating. Even if a couple is to break up, God should get glory in that. The first rule in dating is the first rule in all of life: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). You will not truly love anyone else if you do not love God first and most. And no one will truly love you if they do not love God more than they love you.
“Today more than ever before, we’re faced with a never-ending buffet of opinions and advice that has something to say about everything and yet lets us choose the answer we want. We won’t have trouble finding an answer (or a dozen answers) to any of our questions in relationships. The scary reality is that we can find an answer somewhere to justify what we want to do — right or wrong, safe or unsafe, wise or unwise. The advice we choose might be from a book by a doctor, or a random conversation with someone at church, or a blog post by a teenager, or just something we found on Pinterest. For many of us, if we’re honest, it really doesn’t matter who’s offering the advice as long as it confirms what we thought or wanted in the first place.
We think we’re leaning on others as we wade into all the material online, but we’re often just surrendering to our own cravings and ignorance. We leave the safety of the doctor’s office and choose the freedom and ease of the gas station convenience store. Instead of getting the qualified perspective and direction we desperately need from people around us, we walk away eating a candy bar for dinner, again, and washing it down with Dr. Pepper.” - Marshall Segal
Real friendship, with real life-on-life accountability, may not offer the same amount of information or advice, and you will not always like what it has to say, but it will bring one new critical dimension to your dating relationships: it knows you — your strengths and weaknesses, your successes and failures, your unique needs. These people know you as a sinner, and sinners who are never being confronted or frustrated by inconvenient truths are sinners drifting further from God, not towards him.
The truth is that we all need a third wheel — in life and in dating — people who truly know us and love us, and who want what’s best for us, even when it’s not what we want in the moment. Dating often isolates us from other Christians in our lives. The closer we become with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the more removed we are from other important relationships. Satan loves this, and encourages it at every turn. One way to walk wisely in dating is to oppose absolutely everything Satan might want for you. Fight the impulse to date in a corner by yourselves, and instead draw one another into those important relationships. Double down on family and friends — with affection, intentionality, and communication — while you’re dating.
Only people who love Christ more than they love you will have the courage to tell you that you’re wrong in dating — wrong about a person, wrong about timing, wrong about whatever. Only they will be willing to say something hard, even when you’re so happily infatuated. Most people will float along with you because they’re excited for you, but you need a lot more than excitement right now — you have plenty of that yourself. You desperately need truth, wisdom, correction, and perspective.
The Bible warns us to weave all our desires, needs, and decisions deep into a fabric of family who love us and will help us follow Jesus — a family God builds for each of us in a local church (Hebrews 10:24–25).
God has sent you — your faith, your gifts, and your experience — into other believers’ lives for their good. To encourage them: “We urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). To challenge and correct them: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom” (Colossians 3:16). And to build them up: “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). And as inconvenient, unnecessary, unhelpful, and even unpleasant as it may feel at times, God has sent gifted, experienced, Christ-loving men and women into your life too, for your good — and for the good of your boyfriend or girlfriend (and God willing, your future spouse). The God who sends these kinds of friends and family into our lives knows what we need far better than we ever will.
I don’t think we should just listen to the advice of others without listening to God. Don’t get me wrong, we should listen to preachers and wise counselors when it comes to dating, but we must also rely on our relationship with God. By knowing God we will know when a person was sent by Him to give us wise counsel. I’m a firm believer that God works through people. If I have cancer I believe that God will work through the doctor to cure me. If I need a job, I believe he will work through the heart of a hiring manager to hire me. He can work this same way when it comes to someone giving us relationship advice. Romans 14:23 says “But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin.” We try to steer clear of actions forbidden by Scripture, of course, but sometimes Scripture is silent. Then we should follow our consciences. “Whatever is not from faith is sin” means that to go against a conviction will leave a person with a guilty or uneasy conscience. When God shows us that something is wrong for us, we should avoid it. But we should not look down on other Christians who exercise their freedom in those areas. Think about disciplining a child. Scripture tells us not to spare the rod, but this doesn’t necessarily mean spanking a child, it refers to disciplining them. Some parents prefer spanking, some prefer time out, some have other methods. No one is right or wrong in these instances, but you have to discipline your child in the way that you think will produce the correct behavior. You discipline them in the way you’re convicted to. Some things aren’t clearly outlined in scripture, which leaves the hard work up to us to pray and seek the best action to take.
Is God telling you to breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend? What are good reasons and bad reasons to end the relationship? And if you do feel led by God to breakup, when and how should you do it? If you are expecting a list of reasons, I’m sorry to disappoint you. The Bible doesn’t work like that. The same way God gives us the freedom to get into a relationship, he gives us that same freedom to leave it. Rarely are there rigid lines drawn in the Scriptures when it comes to relationships. There are a few, but relationships are less about right and wrong and more about desirable or not desirable. With that said, the first and most obvious reason a Christian dating couple should breakup is if there continued relationship will lead to more sin rather than more glory to God. The main motivation for a Christian marriage is not companionship, financial stability, sex, or anything like that. Those are good benefits that should be enjoyed, but the main purpose of marriage is to glorify God. If marriage only offered us these things, though, it really wouldn’t be worth it. Many will try to deny that, but the divorce statistics are enough to establish that marriage asks more of you than most could have ever imagined on their wedding day. Most of my married friends would say that what seems fun and pretty and unbreakable at the altar did not feel as clean or easy even days into their lives together. It’s still intensely good and beautiful, but it’s costly — too costly for small aims.
Therefore if a dating relationship is working against this goal rather than helping you accomplish your true purpose, you should break up. For example, if you are repeatedly failing to sexual temptation in the relationship but you do not want to move into marriage with this person, then the biblical solution is to break up. To remain in that season of intense temptation by not moving towards marriage or not breaking up is to miss the mark of true biblical repentance. You might feel sorry for continuing to struggle with sexual sin in the dating relationship, but if you are not taking practical steps to change your behavior you are not actually repenting.
Lots of times, however, sin is not the problem in the relationship. Romance is a funny thing. Sometimes you can explain why you don’t like someone and sometimes you can’t. As Christians we are not bound to just marry the holiest guy or girl you can meet. They must be a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:39). They must be someone who is mature enough to fulfill their biblical role as a spouse. But just because they check these major boxes doesn’t mean you must marry them. There is no perfect answer for when a Christian boyfriend and girlfriend should breakup. Rather, like most relationship questions, it comes down to answering, “What is most honoring to God?” When you can answer that, usually everything else falls into place.
After doing a lot of studying, I truly do wish that we could go back to the “old days”. I’m talking about the Biblical days. I believe if we courted like they did back then, a lot more relationships would lead to lasting marriages or they would break up without doing as much harm to people’s hearts. In Biblical days people practiced something that would be real unpopular today. They had people to hold them accountable and give them wise counsel in relationships. You can really see how prideful we are when it comes to relationships. I look at how when it comes to learning a sport we’re willing to let someone coach us, when we want to start a new career we’re willing to go to school for it, but when we’re seeking marriage we try to go about it on our own without seeking help from anyone. While you might be the one with the final say, you might not be the best person to assess at every point. Just as in every other area of our Christian life, we need the body of Christ as we think about whom to date, how to date, and when to wed.
While it’s rarely quick or convenient, gaining the perspective of people who know you, love you, and have great hope for your future will always pay dividends. It may lead to hard conversations or deep disagreement, but it will force you to deal with things you did not or could not have seen on your own. You’ll find safety with an abundance of counselors (Proverbs 11:14). Invite other people to look into your relationship. Spend time together with other people, couples and singles, who are willing to point out the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Marriage is worth having because you get God in your lifelong commitment to one another. Marriage is about knowing God, worshiping God, depending on God, displaying God, being made like God. God made man and woman in his image and joined them together, giving them unique responsibilities to care for one another in their broken, but beautiful union. What makes marriage worth having is that you, your spouse, and those around you see more of God and his love for us in Jesus. If you’re not experiencing that with your boyfriend or girlfriend, break up with them. If that’s not our priority, we need to get a new game plan and probably a new scorecard for our relationship. I pray that this post is a blessing to the readers and opens your heart to take your relationship and marriage seriously. It’s all for the glory of God. Amen.
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