Go Along to Get Along
How do you make a marriage “work”? Or how do you make sure that it’s fulfilling its intended purpose? I’ve often heard husbands say when talking about getting along with their wife is that, “You have to go along to get along”. And I think about the popular saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” But I think about those statements and I wonder if that’s how marriage is supposed to work. Does God get the glory when the woman is the only one made to feel happy or when the husband just goes along with what his wife wants. After comparing those statements with scripture, I think that they totally miss the mark.
Happy Wife, Happy Life
To start off, scripture tells us that we should test every spirit (1 John 1:4). This is the basis for this blog, along with many more that I will write. Oftentimes we do things or believe things because of tradition, feelings, or it just sounds right. It’s true that we shouldn’t question God’s Word, but first we must be sure of what God’s word says. It’s easy to say something that sounds good or believe something because a pastor says it, but we don’t look to see if those words are God’s words or a human’s words. One of my goals is that people learn to seek God for themselves. Don’t just rely on what someone tells you. I believe that any God-called preacher will encourage his flock and provide his sheep with the text that supports his preaching. With that said, I want to dive deeper into the topic of this particular blog. In marriage the husband is supposed to be the leader of the family. The family is supposed to come to him for guidance, support, protection, and his example of sacrifice. In order to be a leader, this requires a man to make decisions even when the family doesn’t agree. His sacrifice and relationship with God should be so important that He’s looking out for the family even when the family doesn’t understand, not just going along with the demands of his wife in an effort to appease her. This isn’t to say that a husband should lead in a dictatorial way, but he isn’t there to grant his wife her every wish.
As a husband, and more importantly as a man, we are made to be responsible and think more logically. Women tend to think with their emotions most of the time, and while this isn’t a bad thing it can’t always help make wise decisions. I think back to my childhood and I can remember when my dad would make me work with him and do things that my mother thought would be too hard on me. It’s natural for a woman and a mother to feel this way because God made women to be nurturers, but without the discipline and guidance that my father gave me, I don’t think I would be the man that I am today. This isn’t to say that single women can’t raise strong responsible men, because they can and do, but it wasn’t God’s intention in the way that He designed families to be structured. There’s an order for everything, and when a man is following God then his wife and family must follow Him in order for everything to go as intended.
So how did this spirit of passivity begin? Paradise was lost when the first man took the easy path of appeasement in his marriage. The serpent hissed lies in her ear; he stood silently by. Instead of an uncomfortable moment with his wife, and then crushing the skull of her deceiver, he watched as she took a bite. Compromise bore twins, and he ate too (Genesis 3:6).“Lasting joy in our marriages is found in living out the drama of Christ and his bride, not Adam and his.” And we see Adam’s passivity echoed in countless marriages today. The temptation to be emotionally and spiritually absent, when physically present, has merely changed hairstyles over time. The same unmanly repose still beckons men to recline in the passenger’s seat. God calls out to husbands today with the same question he asked in the garden: “Adam, where are you?” And where are we? Too often giving into the scheme that affords less responsibility and more opportunity to watch the game. Let the wife take the children to church, let the wife discipline, let her go to school when a child gets in trouble. Women want their men to plan dates, start conversations, play with the kids, stand up for themselves (at work) and for their wife (with the in-laws), or to show concern for daily decisions. Masculinity that leads through loving sacrifice can feel like an endangered species.
To let you ladies in on a little secret, men talk about marriage too. I’m sure most of us have had that barbershop talk where it’s said “Happy wife, Happy life.” Lost of older married men will tell the younger men this. Although I don’t think that they mean any harm by it, it can be very harmful to the man who doesn’t know the seriousness of the role that he has as a husband. “The advice could be redeemable. The husband should lavish his queen with love, finding a great deal of his joy in hers. And one could say it from an eternal perspective: Happy wife (in the Lord), happy life. But what is most often meant by this phrase cannot be missed: a man’s life is less miserable when his woman gets her way. Such deferment is tempting: no conflict, no unhappy bride, no blame. Just letting her have her way is much more comfortable than making unpopular decisions on weighty matters, that you think (and pray) are spiritually best for her and your family: Whether they be where your children go to school, what church you join, where you live next, when to have children, or countless difficult choices that require spiritual energy, courage, and faith. But Christ created men to initiate and bear responsibility. His glory is to sacrifice. His mission is to lead his wife and his family from the front, on his knees. Although his charge includes the flourishing of the wife, the health of our leadership does not depend solely upon the daily undulations of our bride’s earthly happiness, but on the consistency with which we obey our Master. You can have a happy, governing wife resulting in a shallow, resistance-free life, and end up with an unhappy Lord. In the end, a nearsighted “happy wife, happy life” mentality throws the toys in the closet to go outside and play. Happy wife, easier life does not lead to happiness, but to a closet full of regret, bitterness, and selfishness, which we all must open eventually. It backfires on us, leaving even a growing number of unbelievers wondering how to get their men to be less passive. Lasting joy in our marriages is found in living out the drama of Christ and his bride, not Adam and his.”
BFFs
She is not just your BFF because marriage is not simply friendship. It isn’t a symmetrical partnership in which the relational patterns are interchangeable. The elegance of the dance consists in the man leading assertively, lovingly, thoughtfully, and the woman following fearlessly, receptively, joyfully — which is much more than mere friendship. The dance is improper when the husband attempts to follow. There’s another saying that is often said that I did believed to be supported by the scripture is, “Marriage isn’t about making you happy, it’s about making you holy”. I reference Ephesians 5: 21-33. In this chapter, God gives instructions for Christian households. Husbands and wives are told to submit to one another. I don’t know about you, but submission isn’t easy. I submit to God everyday when I decide not to get angry at someone who cut me off in traffic or get revenge on someone who does me wrong. This requires more discipline and love for God than it does being happy. Wives are told to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church, sacrificed for the church, and protected the church. When a man is truly committed to the Lord, his wife should have assurance that he’s doing what’s best for her. Sacrificing and protecting doesn’t make us happy in the way that the world thinks, but it produces a happiness that we should get from God. I encourage all married couples, engaged couples, and those considering marriage to study this segment of scripture.
Now, if we mean that she is the one person with whom you confide most, the one earthly person you treasure most, the one person with whom a day spent doing menial tasks is anything but wasted, then, yes, this is a glory. But our marriages are more than a flat partnership.The glory of a spouse is more than the glory of a friend. The miraculous event of God joining husband and wife together in a bond that none can break is a rose not to be hidden, even in the beautiful tulip-garden of friendship.
Be a Servant Leader
For sure, an aspect of this is incredibly right: Jesus came not to be served but to serve and give his life for many (Mark 10:45). That the husband should be like Jesus in such self-giving sacrifice is without question or asterisk. Being a servant leader is great advice — when both words are kept together. Often, however, they are not. The paradox of servant leader devolves, in some minds, into merely meaning servant: You sacrifice your convictions for any and all of her ambitions. You take on her calling, not because of exceptional circumstance but only because you wanted to lay your aspirations down for hers. You coddle her, never asking her to do anything that she does not already want to do — even if you think it best for her ultimate joy in the Lord. The good-intentioned servant (non)leader, in an honest attempt to love and serve his wife well, abdicates to a kind of service that undermines his call to be a husband and bear responsibility, take initiative, and feel the burden of the hardest decisions. I prefer sacrificial leadership instead: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). It is a leadership that, while not relinquishing its responsibility or apologizing for its authority, sees leadership as a calling to inconvenience self first for the good of one’s family and neighbor.
‘Marriage Is 50/50’
Marriage, for the man especially, is not 50/50. Manhood doesn’t require her to scratch your back before you’ll scratch hers. Headship doesn’t keep score. You don’t go so far, and no farther, until she catches up. You don’t limit your patience, kindness, gentleness, and goodness until she matches. A husband’s love doesn’t bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things only half the time. Husbands don’t wait for reciprocation to initiate. Jesus didn’t wait for his bride to meet him halfway. His spouse didn’t take half of the scourging or half of the cross. He, manly he, sacrificed all for her well-being — while she was yet a sinner. He gave all his life for hers. Nothing 50/50 about it. And sacrificial leadership is so happy in this love of Christ that we lay down our lives like he did — even when she isn’t “holding up her end of things.” Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. We do not bring home the paycheck and expect the wife to pick up the remaining fifty percent of the relational tab with the kids. Marriages that start 50/50, often end 50/50 — splitting half of one’s assets in divorce.
Be Who You’re Called to Be
I know that some women may feel that a man will make a bad decision. Will they trust him to lead? Well it’s perfectly fine to bring those concerns up to your boyfriend/husband. If it’s a husband he will still have to make a decision whether you approve of it or not. If the decisions that he makes turn out to be bad, pray for Him and ask God to give Him better discernment. Any leader needs prayer, because whether you’re leading 1 or 1,000 it won’t be easy and you’ll make your share of mistakes. Pray that he learns from these mistakes and he’s able to make better decisions going forward. Men won’t always lead perfectly and women won’t always follow perfectly. Thats where each must show the other grace. Why would God have us men to be passive. He made us to have dominion over the world (Gen 1:26). God entrusts us to speak, to sacrifice, to crush serpents. He calls us to be true to our nature — the one he gave us — and play the man that we are. And that man is not timid, not unassertive, not feeble in the faith: “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong” (1 Corinthians 16:13). It cannot be asked of that man, “How can I get my husband to be less passive?” That man, as C.S. Lewis depicts, goes into battle first and retreats last. He, for truth’s and honor’s sake, “stands fast and suffers long.” God calls us to increasingly be this man, and provides the strength for us to be him when we feel weak. Stand upright, then, be strong, after the true strength and example of Jesus Christ. For our King, our wife, and our future kin.
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